Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship
The Top Twelve Excuses Survivors Use That Keep Them Stuck
Written by Narcissistic Abuse Expert and Recovery Coach Randi Fine
Narcissistic Abuse Awareness and Guidance with Randi Fine
Leaving a narcissistic relationship of any kind often feels impossible. Survivors are frequently ensnared in emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and broken promises. By recognizing the common excuses that trap individuals in these toxic situations, survivors can take the first step toward liberation. This post examines twelve excuses frequently used to justify staying in abusive, narcissistic relationships.
1. I fear the unknown. The devil I know is better than the devil I don’t know.
It’s likely that you believe you have insight into how the narcissist thinks, but that is not the case. Understanding a narcissist is fundamentally impossible. They convey a counterfeit persona, a psychological construct that masks their authentic self—the self-loathing child confined within. Individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder do not exhibit a consistent personality or predictable behavior. The persona you see has been intricately designed to draw narcissistic supply exclusively from you. Narcissists excel as performers, skilled in manipulation and deceit. Consequently, it is essential to approach everything with skepticism, as you remain unaware of the true nature of the narcissist or their conduct when you are not present.
The nature of narcissistic abuse is that it worsens with time. The personality you have yet to encounter could be even more malevolent than the one you think you know. It is crucial to understand that the longer you stay with the abuser, the more significant the damage—often irreparable—will be to your mental, physical, and emotional health. If you yearn for love, wish to heal from your trauma, and desire a peaceful life, the only way forward is to take a bold leap into the unknown. Any change is better than your current reality, and the possibilities for your future are infinite.
2. I have hope that the situation will get better. Anything is possible. People can change.
As I noted earlier, individuals suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder generally worsen over time. Despite what you might encounter in various discussions or from individuals who do not fully comprehend this disorder, it is important to recognize that narcissists are not capable of genuine change. Avoid being swayed by the misconceptions of those who may not have a thorough understanding of the issue.
For an individual to recover from a personality disorder, it is essential to comprehend two fundamental aspects and to feel remorse about them. The first aspect involves acknowledging that there is a problem with their behavior that needs to be addressed. Narcissists often lack this insight, making it impossible to engage them in constructive dialogue. When confronted with their issues, they tend to react with rage and shift the blame onto the person who pointed it out. The second aspect is that narcissists feel a sense of entitlement to mistreat others without any feelings of guilt. They view other individuals as mere objects to be manipulated and exploited.
Change in behavior is unattainable without a genuine willingness to comprehend these concepts and engage in honest self-reflection.
3. I can do this myself. I don’t need someone to help me move past this. I’ve done it before, and I can do it again.
The subconscious mind is the main focus of narcissistic abuse. Narcissists utilize brainwashing methods and psychological warfare tactics to condition, manipulate, and weaken the resolve of their victims. This process often takes place without the victim being consciously aware of it. For every visible act of manipulation or abuse, there are at least two more that go unnoticed.
Attempting to reason your way out of confusion and emotional pain often leads to increased frustration and self-criticism when you find it difficult to do so. The knowledge you possess intellectually does not always match your emotional experiences, making it challenging to reconcile the two. This is not a personal shortcoming; rather, it is a natural limitation. While you may experience temporary relief, lasting recovery is unlikely. Without addressing the underlying issues, they are likely to resurface repeatedly, impacting your well-being throughout your life.
Your cognitive and emotional responses have been programmed in a specific way, and despite your best efforts, it is doubtful that you can change this without the intervention of a knowledgeable professional in this area. It is not wise to think you can manage this by yourself.
4. It will cost too much money to get a professional to help me. It costs nothing if I do it myself.
While some professionals charge fair and justifiable fees, others may take advantage of clients with inflated prices. It is crucial to remain vigilant. The fee structure does not correlate with the professional's expertise. Be sure to read reviews and thoroughly research the individual to determine if they are the right match for you. Most experts in this domain offer free or low-cost thirty-minute consultations, allowing you to evaluate their capabilities firsthand.
You can find the help you need without incurring significant expenses. Look for a professional who is truly committed to guiding you to success, rather than one who demands high fees for an expensive self-paced course and leaves you largely unsupported, or someone who aims to keep you in therapy for an extended duration. A dedicated expert will provide you with practical strategies, tools, and resources for your independent use, while offering ongoing support and patience until you are ready to take the next steps by yourself.
In the long run, you will save more than you invest.
Without intervention, the consequences of narcissistic abuse can evolve into health disorders. In addition, it frequently leads to legal troubles that can be expensive to resolve. Therefore, focusing on prevention is imperative.
5. I have tried therapy. It didn’t help and/or it made me feel worse not better.
You are not the only one experiencing this. There is a widespread assumption that educated and licensed mental health professionals are capable of recognizing and treating all mental health issues. This is not accurate. In the case of narcissistic abuse, there is a lack of formal training that equips practitioners to effectively support individuals in their recovery. Additionally, even if they can identify the issue, it cannot be fully diagnosed, as it is not recognized as a diagnosable condition by the American Psychiatric and Psychological Associations (APA). The process of modifying or adding a condition to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-V) is notoriously slow.
Narcissistic abuse often defies rational explanation, making it a difficult phenomenon to understand. The most effective treatment usually comes from a coach or counselor who has personally faced narcissistic abuse, has extensive experience in the field, and is not limited by the outdated practices of the APA. If you have not yet considered this approach, I strongly suggest you do.
6. I have no support from friends and family because I have alienated myself or have been alienated from everyone who cares about me. No one understands what I am going through, everyone sides with the abuser, no one believes what I tell them, and/or I have a toxic family that has never supported me.
Having one friend or family member who provides support and listens to you without judgment is a significant advantage that many do not have while facing their struggles. Most individuals may find it difficult to comprehend your suffering or may question the authenticity of your experiences, as they can be hard to believe.
The nature of narcissistic abuse is fundamentally illogical, presenting challenges to typical reasoning processes. People tend to think logically, relating their own experiences to the information they encounter. This can create a scenario where they justify actions that are indefensible, often resulting in the victim being unfairly assigned blame or responsibility.
Furthermore, those who are not living with you do not perceive the same personality traits of the narcissist that you do. They are shown a version that appears to be thoughtful, caring, and generous. It is difficult for them to accept that the abusive behavior you are describing is real.
Many people think that relationships require the active participation of both individuals to thrive. This belief can lead to the assumption that both parties share responsibility for any issues that arise. However, in the context of narcissistic abuse, the relationship is not equitable; there is a clear distinction between the abuser and the victim. Victims, who may be operating under a mindset that has been conditioned by their experiences, should not be held accountable for the abuse they endure.
The most effective assistance is provided by professionals who offer unwavering support tailored to your needs, regardless of the duration required.
7. Why bother fixing this? I want to keep our family together for the sake of the children. I am willing to sacrifice how I feel to keep the family together—it’s better for the children to have an intact family.
If you are a parent, it is vital to confront this challenge and take swift action to improve it. Narcissistic grooming begins at birth and can increasingly jeopardize a child's emotional, psychological, and physical well-being. Without intervention, the long-term effects can be detrimental.
Staying in a stressful environment for too long can severely impact your overall health—physically, mentally, and spiritually. Even if you survive, you may find it increasingly difficult to advocate for and protect your children. If you do not take action, your children will be left entirely exposed to their abuser, facing relentless and extreme abuse without any form of protection.
The stress and tension present in the household are clearly felt by all its members, particularly the children. Children require a stable environment that offers both emotional and physical safety, along with unconditional love. They would rather experience the separation of their parents than endure the ongoing pain and turmoil of a toxic living situation.
8. I feel guilty judging or “outing” my narcissistic parent’s behavior. No matter what has happened, my parents do love and want the best for me. No parent is perfect. They did the best they could do. Family is forever.
Narcissistic parents often warn their children to keep family affairs private, discouraging them from discussing anything with outsiders. The penalties for disobedience can be quite severe, leading children to comply with these demands. This pattern of behavior often extends into adulthood, where individuals continue to follow these ingrained rules, regardless of the situation. They come to accept, without question, that they are obligated to protect and defend those who have not offered them the same protection.
It is crucial to recognize that the process of healing and recovering from narcissistic abuse does not involve blaming, judging, or revealing your parent(s). This journey is about your experiences in your childhood environment, the necessary steps to heal from trauma, and how to ensure your ongoing protection. There are no right or wrong answers in this context. As you continue on your healing path, you will gain clarity and empowerment, which will assist you in making decisions that are in your best interest.
It is a sad reality that narcissistic individuals are often unable to love, care for, or genuinely wish the best for anyone, including their offspring. The mere act of becoming a parent does not ensure the presence of nurturing instincts, especially among narcissistic individuals. In many instances, these parents fulfill the role of caregiver primarily to satisfy their own narcissistic needs. They frequently exhibit abusive behavior and lack empathy for their family members, as their focus remains solely on themselves.
Healthy, loving, and committed families stand the test of time, unlike toxic families led by narcissistic parents, which are often fleeting. The choice of how to engage with our family dynamics is ours to make. Although the ten commandments advise us to honor our father and mother, it is important to understand that there are numerous ways to do so, and their involvement in our lives is not necessary for us to express honor.
9. We are supposed to love everyone. Who am I to judge another?
As discussed earlier, the healing process from narcissistic abuse is not about making judgments. It is essential to face the truths of your past or present experiences and to acknowledge how they affect you.
Each of us has the right to decide how we respond to abusive treatment, whether we choose to tolerate it or not. We can extend love to those who have hurt us, but we must also stand firm against the abuse and protect ourselves. Loving someone is not synonymous with being a doormat or allowing ourselves to be mistreated.
We all have the right to define our boundaries, and it is our responsibility to cherish and protect ourselves as a tribute to the life we have been given. No one should have the power to undermine that.
10. Divorce is against my religion and out of the question, so what’s the point?
When considering marriage, the principles of your faith emphasize the sacred union between two devoted individuals. However, what defines a true marriage? Can it be considered a marriage if only one partner is dedicated to upholding their vows while the other shows indifference? Is it genuinely a marriage when you enter into a union with someone who misrepresents their feelings, only to later reveal a lack of love and care? Furthermore, can a relationship be deemed a marriage if one partner is unfaithful or persistently dishonest? Lastly, is it truly a marriage if being with that person poses a continual risk to your health and well-being?
Entering into a marriage with a narcissist often feels like a deceptive arrangement. The foundation of such a relationship is built on falsehoods. It is difficult to accept that a higher power would support a union characterized by manipulation, expect individuals to navigate irreconcilable differences with an unreasonable partner, or subject them to a life of mistreatment. You are worthy of far more.
11. I don’t want to hold grudges. We are supposed to have forgiveness in our hearts.
Engaging in healing means moving beyond grudges and malice. It is a reflective journey that aims to remove barriers, set the past aside, and consciously endeavor to become the best version of ourselves.
Forgiveness is not about absolving our abusers of their past actions or allowing them to escape the consequences of their guilt. It is important that individuals who do not take responsibility for their wrongs are not given the opportunity to repeat their harmful behavior.
Forgiveness is a beautiful self-gift that we earn after fully addressing the conflict. We must first recognize that we cannot trust our abuser with our well-being before we can extend forgiveness. It is essential to take our time and not rush into forgiveness; it should come only after we have healed and moved beyond resentment, which is a process that requires patience.
Forgiveness involves letting go of the resentment that binds us and obstructs our well-being. It is a commitment we make to ourselves to free ourselves from the negative emotional influence that our abusers have exerted over us.
12. My abuser is not all bad. He/she does have a good side. Maybe I am seeing things wrong. Maybe I’m the one with the problem as he/she says I am.
Narcissists excel at providing validation and fulfilling our needs just when they perceive we might distance ourselves. This strategy, referred to as intermittent reinforcement, serves to mislead us into believing they are not as harmful as we initially believed, ultimately aiming to keep us trapped in an abusive relationship. Despite the overwhelming nature of the abuse, we are deceived into thinking that their positive traits will remain constant. However, this is never the case, yet victims repeatedly fall for this illusion. This explains the seemingly positive aspects we think we observe.
Having been conditioned by the narcissist to question your own perceptions, you may find it challenging to determine whether you are accurately observing or interpreting situations. To achieve clarity, focus on the behavioral patterns of your abuser rather than the falsehoods, manipulations, and misleading narratives they present to you.
Narcissists typically fail to recognize their own faults. If blame is to be assigned, it will invariably fall on you. Their accusations frequently act as a mirror to their own actions. Although you may not be without imperfections, it is unlikely that you are the primary cause of the relationship's challenges. Resist the temptation to accept their misleading narratives.
Taking Action Toward Freedom
Leaving a narcissistic partner may seem daunting, but recognizing and dismantling the excuses that keep individuals stuck is essential for healing. Each excuse often arises from fear or misunderstanding, but acknowledging one’s reality can pave the path to a better future.
As you navigate the journey to break free, remember that you deserve happiness, respect, and a genuine connection in your life. Surrounding yourself with supportive individuals, seeking professional help, and taking small, steady steps are crucial.
Your journey to freedom begins with the understanding that you are not alone, and a world filled with potential and joy awaits you beyond the constraints of a narcissistic relationship. Prioritizing your well-being is the most important step you can take.
Randi Fine is an internationally renowned narcissistic abuse expert and recovery coach, and the author of the groundbreaking book Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery Second Edition, the most comprehensive, well-researched, and up-to-date book on this subject. In addition to helping survivors recognize their abuse and heal from it, this book teaches mental health professionals how to recognize and properly treat the associated abuse syndrome. She is also the author of the official companion workbook Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: A Comprehensive Workbook for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse. Randi Fine is the author of Cliffedge Road: A Memoir, the first and only book to characterize the life-long progression of complications caused by narcissistic child abuse.
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