The Narcissistic Triangle of Control
Are Your Parents Secretly Pitting You Against Your Siblings?
Written by Narcissistic Abuse Expert and Recovery Coach Randi Fine
Narcissistic Abuse Awareness and Guidance with Randi Fine
Have you ever felt like you're in a twisted game of emotional chess with your own family? Are your relationships with your siblings strained, constantly teetering on the brink of tension? If you answered yes, you might be caught in what psychologists call the "narcissistic triangle of control."
Signs You're Caught in the Triangle
Do you constantly feel like you're in competition with your siblings for your parent's approval?
Are there secrets and alliances within your family that breed mistrust and animosity?
Do you find yourself being used as a pawn in your parent's emotional games with your siblings?
If any of these scenarios strike a chord with you, chances are you're entangled in the narcissistic triangle of control.
Due to the plethora of crazy dynamics, such as narcissistic triangulation, that exist within a family influenced by narcissistic parents, there are many casualties suffered by the children. Not only do they suffer as individuals, the relationships between the siblings suffer as well.
Conflict is a normal part of family dynamics. The fact that a family argues from time to time does not make it a dysfunctional family unit. What makes a family dysfunctional is the emotional pain and confusion that prevails among its members. Families with at least one narcissistic parent are always dysfunctional. Those who grow up in this type of household become saddled with a lifetime of emotional struggles. Some of these struggles are easy to identify, some are not.
It would seem as if siblings suffering together under the strains of crazy parenting would naturally bond together for support, but that does not usually happen in families headed by narcissistic parents. It is no accident that one of the casualties of the narcissistic family is the relationship between the siblings.
The Role of Triangulation
Narcissistic parents are not capable of loving their children. Children are simply a source of “narcissistic supply.” The relationship narcissistic parents have with their children is one of control and manipulation. There are many tactics used to accomplish that. One common one is known as, “Triangulation.”
Triangulation is a deceitful tactic used by the narcissistic parents to control and manipulate the balance of power in the family system. The goal is to keep the siblings from collaborating in ways that might interfere with his or her calculated objectives.
Everything boils down to insuring the parent’s narcissistic supply. Like addicts, narcissistic parents cannot survive without it. They need constant replenishment and will stoop to any level to get their “fix.”
To gain control over the information flow in the family, narcissistic parents create indirect communication between the siblings, putting themselves in the role of “go-between.” In doing so, they control the content of the information, the way the information flows, and the way it gets interpreted. And there are more benefits; with everyone relating directly to them, these parents are always in the information loop and always remains the center of attention.
Consequences of the Triangle
Living within the confines of the narcissistic triangle can have profound effects on your emotional well-being. Sibling bonds may be strained or broken, trust shattered, and self-esteem shattered. The constant state of competition and comparison can lead to feelings of inadequacy, resentment, and even depression.
Since narcissistic parents cannot prevent all communication between the siblings, they try to create conflict and mistrust between them. They will fabricate information, tell lies, and confide in them individually and then tell them to keep secrets from each other. The parent may badmouth one sibling to another. The parent may share information with one sibling, hoping that it will get back to another one and create drama. Narcissistic parents take great pleasure in the upheaval they can create among family members.
Narcissistic parents maneuver in ways that they can never be called on, whether it be the way they carefully phrase their words or the fact that they are careful to make sure no one else witnesses their behavior. They forever remain the innocent. Should anyone try to call them on their behavior, they will erupt into narcissistic rage. Since this rage terrifies the children, over time they learn to do everything and anything within their means to avoid it.
Because of the dynamics of the narcissistic family, the children easily fall prey to the manipulations of their narcissistic parent. Attention from the narcissistic parent, whether positive or negative, is a rare commodity that each sibling must vie for. One sibling’s loss becomes another sibling’s gain. The relationship between the children is sacrificed as each one selfishly competes for scraps of affection and favor from the parent; attention that gets switched on and off at the parent’s will.
Further upsetting the balance of affection doled out to the children is the fact that narcissistic parents assign roles to their children. There is usually a golden child, one who seems to get the most praise from the parent, a scapegoat, one who is blamed for everything that goes wrong in the family, and an invisible child, one who gets neither praise nor blame. These roles are not always stationary. They can shift at the parent’s will.
Consequences of the Triangle
Triangulation is the weapon of choice for narcissistic parents who seek to pit their children against each other. By playing one child against another, the parent maintains a sense of power and influence over the family dynamics. Each child becomes a pawn in the larger game of manipulation orchestrated by the narcissistic parent.
In adulthood, the children of narcissistic parental triangulation often struggle with a range of issues stemming from their tumultuous upbringing. They may exhibit traits of codependency, seeking validation and approval from others to fill the void left by their emotionally detached or manipulative parents. This need for external validation can lead to a cycle of toxic relationships where they are unable to establish boundaries or advocate for their own needs.
Moreover, adult children of narcissistic parents may find it challenging to trust their own judgment or intuition, as they have been conditioned to doubt themselves and rely on external sources for validation. This lack of self-trust can spill over into various aspects of their lives, impacting their decision-making abilities, career choices, and personal relationships.
In Conclusion
Narcissistic parents train their children well; the hold they have over them when they are young continues well into their adulthood. That will not change until all the children realize and accept that their parent’s destructive behavior is responsible for all the problems that exist between them.
Adult siblings who suffered narcissistic triangulation in childhood become a powerful force if they can unify against their abuser, though this rarely happens. Typically when one child decides to rise above the dysfunction, the other siblings move in closer to the parent to get that sibling's share of crumbs--and the cycle continues.
The effects of narcissistic parental triangulation on adult children are profound and long-lasting. Understanding the root cause of trust issues and emotional struggles can pave the way for healing and personal growth. By acknowledging the impact of their upbringing and taking steps to address unresolved trauma, individuals can begin to rebuild trust in themselves and others, creating the foundation for healthier and more fulfilling relationships in the future.
Randi Fine is an internationally renowned narcissistic abuse expert and recovery coach, and the author of the groundbreaking book Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery Second Edition, the most comprehensive, well-researched, and up-to-date book on this subject. In addition to helping survivors recognize their abuse and heal from it, this book teaches mental health professionals how to recognize and properly treat the associated abuse syndrome. She is also the author of the official companion workbook Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: A Comprehensive Workbook for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse. Randi Fine is the author of Cliffedge Road: A Memoir, the first and only book to characterize the life-long progression of complications caused by narcissistic child abuse.