Letting Go Of Control
Embracing the Potential of Influence
Written by Narcissistic Abuse Expert and Recover Coach Randi Fine
Narcissistic Abuse Awareness and Guidance with Randi Fine
Letting go of control is a challenging yet necessary journey that many individuals face throughout their lives. Control can feel reassuring, as it gives us a sense of power over our decisions and outcomes. However, when the desire for control turns into a desperate need to manage every detail, it can lead to frustration and burnout.
When dealing with life's obstacles, acknowledging the difference between influence and control is important. We should be aware of what we can control, what we cannot, and the aspects where we hold influence. Finding a balance between wanting to influence situations and the urge to control them can lead to greater peace, healthier relationships, and a more fulfilling life.
The Illusion of Control
Do you often spend excessive time and energy worrying, concentrating on, or trying to change things that are beyond your control? Do you believe you can accurately dictate the future's outcomes?
Humans have a natural desire for control because it provides comfort and predictability. Yet, this yearning can easily become an illusion. The truth is that we usually don't have complete control over people, circumstances, or even our own emotions.
When we cling to the belief that we can dictate every outcome, we often conflict with life's unpredictability. Control can shift from a protective instinct to an obsession, trapping us in anxiety and frustration.
Recognizing this illusion is the first step toward letting go. Accepting that events, feelings, and other people's actions are often beyond our control can create a more adaptable mindset.
The Nature of Influence
Unlike control, influence is about persuasion and suggestion. Instead of forcing outcomes, it involves engaging with others authentically, encouraging them to think, feel, or act in new ways.
Influence grows from understanding and empathy. It creates genuine connections, productive discussions, and shared goals. Collaborating rather than exerting control can enrich relationships and cultivate mutual respect.
The Emotional Toll of Excessive Control
The desire for excessive control can lead to negative emotional experiences. Anxiety, stress, and a sense of isolation often follow those who feel compelled to micromanage their surroundings.
When we try to control others or outcomes, our effectiveness frequently decreases, leading to feelings of frustration and resentment. Relationships can become strained when friends, partners, or colleagues feel trapped or overpowered.
This emotional toll can lead to burnout and a never-ending quest for more control, creating a challenging cycle.
The Covey Circle Of Influence and Control
Recognizing the limits of our control does not imply that we are lazy, unmotivated, or weak. On the contrary, it broadens our experiences, allowing for unexpected opportunities and new paths to emerge. Seeking control can lead to resistance, which ultimately restricts the possibilities available to us and closes off various options.
The Circle of Influence and Control, illustrated at the top of the page, is a concept developed by Steven Covey in his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. This model aims to encourage proactivity in our lives by directing our attention to areas we can influence and take action on, rather than becoming overwhelmed by factors beyond our control.
Controllable and Uncontrollable Factors
Life presents us with a mix of controllable and uncontrollable factors.
Examples of things we can control include:
Our convictions, principles, values, perspectives, and ideologies
Our belief system and spiritual perspective
The internal dialogue we maintain and the narratives we create for ourselves.
Our responses, actions, and sentiments
Our viewpoint, stance, and interpretation
The boundaries we define in our lives and the personal limits we uphold
The decisions we make, the paths we select, and the alternatives we consider
The main things we focus on and care about.
Influences that support our emotional well-being
Our code of professional conduct
Our imagination and creativity
The way we handle our relationships with others
How we care for ourselves (mind, body, and spirit)
The people we choose to have in our lives
How grateful we are
Our knowledge, skills, and experience
The dietary choices we make
The information we choose to share with others
The choice to forgive or not forgive someone
The decisions we make in the present moment
Examples of things we cannot control are:
Events and incidents that occurred in the past
What possibilities lie ahead in the future
The level of happiness experienced by others
The family into which we were born
The adults who raised us
The opinions of others
Changes that occur in life
Who loves us, likes us, and appreciates us
The weather
Natural disasters and catastrophic events
The process of growing older
When we pass on
The blueprint of our DNA
Our height, whether we're tall or short
The passage and concept of time
Hardships and misfortune, struggles and loss
Traffic and road conditions
Factors we can influence:
Our overall wellness
Our financial situation
Our professional journey
The degree of our accomplishments
The impact we have on the lives of others
Cultivating a peaceful world
The approach we take in parenting
Our personal environment
The health of the planet we inhabit
Our body weight
The way we present ourselves
Those who seek our knowledge
The viewpoints held by others
The way we are treated by others
Regulations, policies, and guidelines
Our public image
The path we take in life
The Freedom Found in Letting Go
Letting go of control can be liberating. Embracing uncertainty removes the heavy burden of managing every experience.
When we recognize what we can influence instead of control, we engage more meaningfully in situations. This mindset fosters deeper connections, leading to authentic experiences that enrich our lives.
Embracing Change
The art of surrendering control is transformative. It influences relationships, emotional health, and personal development. Recognizing the spectrum between influence and control takes time, effort, and patience.
Accepting uncertainty opens doors to creativity and authentic connections. Realizing that influence comes from empathy and collaboration builds the foundation for healthier interactions.
By embracing vulnerability, practicing mindfulness, and communicating openly, we can navigate interpersonal dynamics with greater balance. The journey may be tough, but it ultimately leads to more freedom, happiness, and fulfillment.
As you take this journey, remember to appreciate your progress. Embrace the beauty of life's unpredictability because letting go of control may just unlock a harmonious existence enriched by meaningful connections.
Randi Fine is an internationally renowned narcissistic abuse expert and recovery coach, and the author of the groundbreaking book Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery Second Edition, the most comprehensive, well-researched, and up-to-date book on this subject. In addition to helping survivors recognize their abuse and heal from it, this book teaches mental health professionals how to recognize and properly treat the associated abuse syndrome. She is also the author of the official companion workbook Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: A Comprehensive Workbook for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse. Randi Fine is the author of Cliffedge Road: A Memoir, the first and only book to characterize the life-long progression of complications caused by narcissistic child abuse.
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