Is Your Marriage a Relationship or Emotional Hostage Situation?
Unveiling the Truth
Written by Narcissistic Abuse Expert and Recovery Coach, Randi Fine
Narcissistic Abuse Awareness and Guidance with Randi Fine
Marriage is a sacred union between two individuals that promises love, commitment, and mutual respect. However, as time passes, dynamics within a marriage can shift, sometimes straying far from the ideal portrayed in fairy tales. The question that often goes unasked is, are you truly in a relationship, or are you unknowingly held emotionally hostage within your marriage?
It is generally assumed that marriage is based on a loving, committed relationship between two people who mutually strive to keep it strong and healthy. Everyone anticipates, upon entering a marriage contract, that there will be ups and downs. Everyone knows that disagreements are bound to happen. With the love and commitment two married people share, these things can be navigated and negotiated.
Understanding the Difference
A loving, committed marital relationship is mutually satisfying--one where the couple is playing on the same team--one that strengthens and grows over time. A relationship is a partnership where both individuals contribute equally, communicate openly, and support each other through thick and thin. It's a safe space where each person feels valued, loved, and respected.
Signs of a Relationship:
Mutual Respect: Respect forms the foundation of any healthy relationship. When both partners honor each other's opinions, boundaries, and feelings, it fosters a sense of equality and trust.
Effective Communication: Open, honest communication is key in a relationship. Being able to express thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment allows for healthy conflict resolution and deeper connection.
Shared Decision-Making: In a relationship, decisions are made jointly, with both partners having an equal say. This collaborative approach strengthens the bond and ensures that both voices are heard.
Support and Encouragement: Supporting each other's goals and dreams, celebrating victories, and providing comfort during setbacks are all hallmarks of a supportive relationship.
On the other hand, an emotional hostage situation is characterized by one individual wielding power and control over the other, leading to feelings of fear, manipulation, and a loss of personal identity.
Signs of an Emotional Hostage Situation:
Control and Manipulation: One partner exerts control over the other, using manipulation tactics to dominate the relationship and suppress the other's individuality.
Fear and Intimidation: Fear-based interactions, such as threats, criticism, or emotional blackmail, create a toxic environment where one partner feels constantly on edge.
Isolation: The controlling partner may isolate the other from friends, family, or support systems, creating dependence and a sense of powerlessness.
Blame and Guilt: Assigning blame, instilling guilt, and refusing to take responsibility for their actions are common behaviors in an emotional hostage situation.
Evaluating Your Marriage
On your wedding day, you and your spouse promised to love and cherish each other, likely taking a vow (perhaps before God) to "have and to hold, from that day forward, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, 'til death do you part". But what happens when one person honors the wedding vows and the other person does not? What happens when one person exploits the wedding vows using mind control, coercion, intimidation, and subjugation? Does emotional, psychological and/or physical abuse constitute a marital deal-breaker? It does, indeed.
In the whirlwind of daily life, it's easy to overlook subtle signs that your marriage may be veering toward an emotional hostage situation. Take a moment to reflect on your relationship by asking yourself the following questions:
Do you feel respected, heard, and valued in your marriage?
Are decisions made collaboratively, or is there a power imbalance?
Does fear, guilt, or intimidation play a role in your interactions?
Are you allowed to maintain connections outside of the relationship, or do you feel isolated?
Do you find yourself constantly walking on eggshells to avoid conflict?
When the Balance Shifts
Relationships flourish when contentious issues are worked out and resolved through compromise, and then put to rest. This is not an easy process but it is a necessary one. Without a resolution, the same issue will repeatedly come up, resulting in hurt feelings, growing tension, mistrust, false narratives, and resentments.
The dynamics between a narcissistic abuser and an emotional hostage are largely unbalanced. To perpetuate what the emotional hostage thinks is a relationship or marriage, the person must sacrifice his or her opinions, needs, desires, hopes, and dreams.
Married life brings no happiness, fulfillment, or security but rather fear, stress, and misery. Emotional hostages must relent to a life of dominance and supremacy. Intermittent reinforcement (good guy, bad guy act) is strategically used by narcissistic spouses to emotionally and psychologically blind their hostage to the truth of who they are married to. That tactic and a plethora of other sinister ones used by narcissists effectively render their emotional hostages unwilling and unable to leave.
Trapped and Misunderstood
Emotional hostages cannot see their way out of their situations on their own. As is the case with prisoners of war and cult members, narcissistic abuse victims suffer from deep subconscious programming--mind control--brainwashing. Their minds have been conditioned to accept control, manipulation, and abuse. Their logical mind has been overridden. All decisions made using it will keep them trapped and in pain.
The emotional hostage situation will be grossly misunderstood by friends, family members, and religious affiliates. People will likely view your situation as a problematic marriage; one in which both parties are accountable. You may be encouraged to stay in the marriage and work it out.
Final Thoughts
Do not be influenced by anyone, even those with only the best intentions; people who have never seen the dynamics of your marriage behind closed doors, and people who cannot possibly understand what you are going through and will unknowingly lay guilt on you.
The best outcomes are had by those who wisely seek the guidance of narcissistic/domestic abuse or divorce coaches--professionals who specialize in this area. Exercise wisdom and join their ranks.
Randi Fine is an internationally renowned narcissistic abuse expert and recovery coach, and the author of the groundbreaking book Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery Second Edition, the most comprehensive, well-researched, and up-to-date book on this subject. In addition to helping survivors recognize their abuse and heal from it, this book teaches mental health professionals how to recognize and properly treat the associated abuse syndrome. She is also the author of the official companion workbook Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: A Comprehensive Workbook for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse. Randi Fine is the author of Cliffedge Road: A Memoir, the first and only book to characterize the life-long progression of complications caused by narcissistic child abuse.
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