How To Communicate Effectively With Your Partner
Navigating the Gender Differences, Part One
Written by Narcissistic Abuse Expert and Recovery Coach Randi Fine
Narcissistic Abuse Awareness and Guidance With Randi Fine
Communication is the backbone of any successful relationship. Whether you've just started dating or have been together for years, understanding how to communicate effectively with your partner is crucial. One aspect that often comes into play is navigating the gender differences that may exist in how we communicate. Fear not, for in this blog post, we will delve into strategies on how to crack the code and communicate better with your partner across these differences.
Understanding the Gender Divide
For centuries the differences between men and women were socially defined. Men maintained their superiority over women by dominating them, and women rarely questioned their passive role. Men were expected to be genteel and chivalrous, and women reciprocated by being genial and gracious. The landscape of gender roles started to transform in 1848 when sixty-eight trailblazing women boldly rose to demand equal rights for both sexes, setting the stage for the Women’s Rights Movement.
The modern-day feminist movement began in the 1960’s. As a result of the momentum they gained, millions of women now work in occupations that previously were considered “for men only.”
Men and women are anatomically different. The male and female bodies were uniquely created by nature for purposes of reproduction, functionality, and survival. Men are built for physical endurance, confrontation, and force. Women are built to carry, birth, and feed their offspring. A man’s skull is commonly thicker and stronger than a woman’s. I suppose that's the origin of the phrase "thick-headedness" when it comes to describing men.
Just as our bodies are built for different purposes, so are our minds. Based on our many observations and encounters with the opposite sex, few of us would argue that point. If that’s how it is, then why do so many of us carry the belief that the other gender will think and act in ways similar to ours, just because we want them to? True harmony in relationships cannot be achieved if we focus on changing others to align with our own needs. Goals are more easily reached when we have a deep understanding of ourselves and appreciate the inherent differences that exist between the sexes.
Unmasking the Inner Workings of Gendered Brains
Recent research has unveiled an intriguing finding: the brains of men and women are not merely similar but are anatomically unique.
When we peer beneath the surface, we find that the structural variances between male and female brains run deep. Research indicates that male brains typically have a larger volume, particularly in regions associated with spatial reasoning and motor skills. In contrast, female brains showcase heightened activity in areas linked to language processing and emotional intelligence.
The part of the brain that facilitates communication between the two hemispheres, called the corpus callosum, has been shown in studies to be larger in women. And, studies show that women have more brain receptors, or neurons, transferring data to both the right and left sides of the brain, as men do. Since women have equal access to both hemispheres, they more easily process language and emotion than men do.
Men are more inclined to depend on the left side of their brains, resulting in a disconnection from the right side, where emotions are managed, while the left side is dedicated to communication skills.
Men’s brains are particularly tuned for abstract reasoning and visual-spatial tasks, which is why they often find it easier to use maps and have a better sense of direction than women. In navigation, men predominantly activate the left hippocampus, while women tend to use the cerebral cortex and are more reliant on landmarks.
Ladies, have you ever experienced that frustrating moment when you're trying to catch a man's eye, but he's completely absorbed in his phone, the TV, or a video game?
Men and women both excel at solving problems, but they do so through different lenses. Women are inclined to see the bigger picture, understanding how various elements are intertwined. This perspective can make it challenging for them to isolate their problems from their life experiences, leading to feelings of being overwhelmed. Women also prefer to discuss their challenges, as talking things through helps them clarify their thoughts. This mutual understanding allows women to bond over their experiences, providing a space for listening and encouragement.
When a woman shares a problem with her male partner, she is not necessarily asking him to solve it. She does not want him to assess, minimize, or interfere with it. She just wants him to listen and show concern. The way he responds can strengthen or weaken her bond with him. If he responds the way she wants him to, she will feel more loved and more connected to him. If he gets it wrong, she will feel alone and disconnected from the relationship.
Men are solution-driven; their instinct is to become authoritative in the face of a problem. Problems provide men with the prideful opportunity to demonstrate their confidence and resolve.
Language skills often tip the scales in favor of women. They are typically more effective conversationalists than men and find more enjoyment in the exchange of words. This enthusiasm for conversation is key to how they create and strengthen their relationships.
Women are naturally adept at flourishing their words with emotion or drama to express and relate the feelings behind what they’re saying. Since women place great importance on being heard, they are typically better listeners. A woman will encourage the other person to speak by pausing, being agreeable, and using gestures like nodding.
In conversations, men prioritize clarity and purpose, using language to convey information or assert a point rather than engaging in frivolous talk. Their communication is often straightforward, lacking the decorative elements that women might incorporate. Men are less inclined to use gestures or express agreement, offering little encouragement to others in dialogue. They tend to listen attentively only when they believe the discussion is meaningful.
Interacting with the opposite sex is a skill that can be developed. When we lack insight into how the other gender thinks, what begins as a rational conversation can quickly spiral into a heated emotional dispute.
Men often expect conversations to be logical and fact-driven. When conflicts arise between genders, they believe both sides should have the opportunity to support their arguments. When a woman addresses a problem, he sees it as her asserting her viewpoint, which leads him to want to express and defend his own stance. He doesn’t grasp that her primary need is for him to listen and comprehend her emotions.
If a man walks away from a conflict thinking it’s all settled, but she still believes it’s not over, her anger can escalate into a deep fury, making it challenging for her to let go. The longer the issue remains unresolved, the harder it will be for her to forgive him when he tries to make things right. This can be very confusing for men.
A Typical Scenario
A man and a woman are having a calm discussion. A topic comes up, they have a difference of opinions, and the conversation becomes oppositional. The man continues to approach his point of view with logic. The woman begins interjecting feelings into her point of view to win the argument and before long her side of the argument becomes emotional.
The man stays cool-headed and continues using logic to present his side, but now she is upset and frustrated with his use of logic. She becomes confrontational. She tries to suck him into her emotion; blames him for not understanding her side. He has been blindsided; now he is confused. The argument has become personal and he does not understand why. Feeling wounded, he reacts with defensiveness. The argument spins out of control. She runs out of the room crying, leaving him frustrated and helpless.
Ladies, let’s face it: men do want to get it right; they don’t want to see you hurt. It’s crucial to communicate with your partner about how you’d like him to react when you’re feeling upset. If you don’t, he may not know what to do, and the same patterns will keep happening.
Communicate Your Needs
Women, reflect on all the efforts your partner makes for you daily, the ways he supports you, and the love he expresses. It's the significant gestures that matter most. Stop challenging his love. If you have a request or need, just voice it. Men are not mind readers. It's important to express yourself clearly.
Don’t be surprised if he doesn’t assist with chores unless you ask. If you wish to go out somewhere nice, tell him where and when. He’s eager to help and make you happy, but he can’t read your thoughts. Alleviate your frustration and show him some understanding.
Men appreciate acknowledgment for their actions and generally do not take well to demands or criticism. They respond better when requests are framed with “Would you” or “Will you.” On the other hand, “Could you” or “Can you” can imply that their capabilities are in doubt. And, when a woman assumes she will receive responses like “yes dear” and “I’ll get on that right away, honey” for every request, he may start to view her requests as demands, causing resentment and a refusal to comply.
If you want to get what you need from your man, ladies, prioritize respect, acceptance, kindness, and patience; nagging will not yield positive results. Yes - you must ask him to do everything. Men are focused on outcomes. After he receives praise for completing a task you've requested, he may think he has fulfilled his role. Just being appreciated won't inspire him to do more. Women often do not comprehend this way of thinking because they believe that feeling appreciated is sufficient for their continued efforts. The reality is that a man’s instinct is to fulfill his own needs, even if it means disregarding others, while a woman’s instinct is to care for others, even at her own expense.
To be continued...
Preview:
Since the brain drives our emotions, and the brains of men and women are physiologically different in that area, it comes as no surprise that men and women experience their emotions differently. Though they are typically thought of as being the more emotionally expressive of the two sexes, women understand, accept, and manage their emotions better than men do.
Randi Fine is an internationally renowned narcissistic abuse expert and recovery coach, and the author of the groundbreaking book Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery Second Edition, the most comprehensive, well-researched, and up-to-date book on this subject. In addition to helping survivors recognize their abuse and heal from it, this book teaches mental health professionals how to recognize and properly treat the associated abuse syndrome. She is also the author of the official companion workbook Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: A Comprehensive Workbook for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse. Randi Fine is the author of Cliffedge Road: A Memoir, the first and only book to characterize the life-long progression of complications caused by narcissistic child abuse.
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