Grieving an Abuser Who Is Still Alive
How to Begin the Healing Process
Written by Narcissistic Abuse Expert and Recovery Coach Randi Fine
Narcissistic Abuse Awareness and Guidance with Randi Fine
There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go. ~Author Unknown
It would seem as if letting go of a relationship with someone who used, abused, exploited, and objectified you, (essentially grieving an abuser who is still alive), whether parent, friend, sibling, partner or spouse, would be a huge relief—a monumental weight off your shoulders. From a logical standpoint, freedom from years of control and oppression should feel good—and it may for a short period of time.
Whether your abuser leaves you or you leave your abuser, whether you choose measured contact or no contact at all, there will come a time when the relief you initially feel disappears and is replaced by a range of disturbing emotions.
The Aftermath of Abuse: Navigating the Storm
Ending a relationship with someone with whom you were emotionally invested is always painful. But realizing that the relationship you thought you had never existed and that you meant nothing at all to the person you trusted and loved is completely devastating.
While coming to terms with what happened to you, you may experience periods of unexplained loneliness, emotional wavering and deep depression that lasts days, weeks or months. You may experience bouts of sadness, denial, and anger, in no particular order.
Though your abuser may still be alive, the idealized relationship you hoped for is not. Your belief that the person will change is gone and a huge void, that hope used to fill, remains.
Breaking free from an abusive relationship is a monumental step, but the journey doesn't end there. As you untangle yourself from the web of toxicity, you may find yourself engulfed in a whirlwind of conflicting emotions. It's okay to feel a mix of relief, sadness, anger, and confusion. Your feelings are valid, and they deserve to be acknowledged.
The grieving process is painful, but it is an integral part of your healing. It is important that you let yourself experience all the feelings that come up—cry when you need to cry, allow whatever anger you feel to rise to the surface. Anger is a necessary part of the healing process. It is the vessel through which your wounded-self regains its voice.
Grieving the end of an abusive relationship is a unique process. Unlike mourning the loss of a healthy relationship, you are not only saying goodbye to a person but also to the shattered dreams and broken promises that came with the abuse. It's important to give yourself permission to mourn not just the person you thought your abuser was, but also the time and energy you invested in the relationship.
During this period, you may experience a roller-coaster of emotions. One moment, you may feel liberated and empowered, ready to conquer the world. The next, you may be consumed by self-doubt and second-guessing your decision to leave. Remember, healing is not a linear process. It's normal to have good days and bad days.
One of the most powerful tools in your healing journey is self-compassion. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a close friend in times of need. Be gentle and accepting of your thoughts, feelings, and emotions, even if they seem illogical. Acknowledge your strength for having survived the abuse. Remind yourself that you deserve love, respect, and a life free from harm.
Recovery from an abusive relationship can be a lonely road, but you don't have to travel it alone. Surround yourself with a strong support system of friends, family, or a mental health professional who can provide you with the love, understanding, and validation you need. Sharing your story with trusted individuals can help alleviate feelings of isolation and shame.
Take care of your physical needs—eat healthily, drink lots of water, exercise, rest when you are tired, get plenty of sleep.
Grieving the Loss
It may seem as if the suffering will never end, but it will. Do not set a time limit for your grief. It is different for each of us.
There are five stages to the grieving process as outlined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 groundbreaking book, On Death and Dying. Since Kübler-Ross’s grieving stages apply to death and dying, not abuse recovery, I have modified the explanations. The stages are still perfectly relevant.
You may experience the first four of the grieving stages in any order and may go through each of them more than once. Acceptance always comes last.
Denial:
You find excuses and reasons to hold on to the relationship.
You want to believe, against all logic or rationale that things can change.
You do not want to believe that the relationship is actually over.
You refuse to accept the reality of what happened to you.
The bad things that happened don’t seem so bad and the good things seem much better than they actually were.
You isolate yourself from others.
Anger:
You are angry at yourself for putting up with the abuse.
You are angry at your abuser for ruining your life.
You are angry at other people for letting you down.
You are angry at God or the Universe for punishing you.
You hate your abuser for everything he has done to you and fantasize about ways to get back at him.
You hate yourself for being so angry and blame your abuser for making you feel that way.
Bargaining:
You feel desperate about losing the relationship.
You suffer from anxiety over the loss.
You are willing to change your ways or give your abuser another chance to change his.
You are willing to forgive and forget what happened and start with a clean slate.
You are willing to renegotiate the boundaries you set.
You ask him to agree to counseling or offer to go yourself.
Depression:
You are overcome by feelings of profound sadness.
You feel hopeless and helpless.
You are unable to snap out of it.
You cry often and are inconsolable.
You are unmotivated and lethargic.
You have disturbed eating patterns.
You have disturbed sleeping patterns.
You self-medicate with drugs or alcohol.
You withdraw into yourself.
Acceptance: Always the final stage
You come to terms with the loss.
You feel peaceful.
You are able to let the relationship go.
You accept the limitations of your abuser.
You accept the choices you made.
You let your resentments go.
You are ready to move on.
Rediscovering Yourself
As you embark on this journey of healing, take the time to rediscover who you are outside of the abusive relationship. What are your interests, passions, and values? Embrace activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Reconnect with the person you were before the abuse tainted your sense of self-worth.
Celebrating Small Victories
Healing is a series of small victories. Celebrate each step forward, no matter how small it may seem. Whether it's setting boundaries, practicing self-care, or simply getting out of bed in the morning, every action you take towards healing is a triumph worth acknowledging.
Moving Towards a Brighter Future
Remember, healing is not about forgetting the past but about reclaiming your power and reshaping your future. Be patient with yourself. The scars of abuse may linger, but they do not define you. You are a resilient, brave soul capable of creating a life filled with love, peace, and authenticity.
As you continue on your healing journey, always remember that you are worthy of a life free from abuse and full of happiness. Embrace the process, lean on your support system, and trust in your own strength. The road to recovery may be challenging, but with each step you take, you move closer to a brighter, healthier future.
To quote the Yugoslav writer Meša Selimović:
“Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality, love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt.”
Take care of yourself, dear reader. You deserve all the love and kindness in the world.
Randi Fine is an internationally renowned narcissistic abuse expert and coach, and the author of the groundbreaking book Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery Second Edition, the most comprehensive, most well researched, and most up-to-date book on this subject. In addition to helping survivors recognize their abuse and heal from it, this book teaches mental health professionals how to recognize and properly treat the associated abuse syndrome. She is also the author of the official companion workbook Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: A Comprehensive Workbook for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse. Randi Fine is the author of Cliffedge Road: A Memoir, the first and only book to characterize the life-long progression of complications caused by narcissistic child abuse.
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