Gaslighting
The Five Subtle Tactics All Narcissists Use
Written by Narcissistic Abuse Expert and Recovery Coach Randi Fine
Narcissistic Abuse Awareness and Guidance with Randi Fine
This is copyrighted material. May only be shared with permission and proper attribution. For all inquiries, please contact Randi@RandiFine
In the realm of psychological manipulation, gaslighting stands out as a particularly insidious strategy employed predominantly by individuals with pathological narcissism. This method of covert control involves the gradual erosion of a person's sense of reality, leaving them confused, unsure of themselves, and ultimately dependent on the manipulator. Gaslighting is not merely about lying or distorting the truth—it's a calculated effort to destabilize someone's perception of reality for the perpetrator's benefit.
Gaslighting is a guileful and devious tactic, so effective that intelligence operations use it to interrogate prisoners of war. Make no mistake, gaslighting is psychological warfare.
All narcissists, whether they are parents, partners, siblings, friends, or co-workers, use this method of psychological control. The tactic is used to confuse victims to the point of not trusting their own memory, judgment, or perception.
So subtle and sneaky are narcissists with their cruelty that those on the receiving end find themselves questioning their own reality. Narcissists reinforce the confusion by telling victims that they are insane for believing what they believe to be true, or for not believing what the narcissist claims is true. They tell their victims that they didn’t hear what they thought they heard or see what they thought they saw, that they are imagining things, crazy, losing their minds, or over-sensitive. Narcissists even remove or relocate things to confuse their victims and then deny the item was ever there or that they ever saw it.
Narcissists' goal with this twisted, crazy-making tactic is to erode their victims' mental stability by systematically chipping away at their self-confidence. By challenging victims' perceptions to the degree that they no longer trust their own memory or judgment, they eventually render victims helpless, insecure, and unable to independently function, thus securing their narcissistic supply.
Here are five subtle gaslighting tactics you may have overlooked:
Withholding
The abuser acts confused, pretends he doesn’t understand what the victim is telling him, and withholds feelings. He will say things such as:
“Why are you trying to confuse me?”
“You’re not making any sense.”
“I’m not listening to you.”
“How can I possibly remember that?”
“You know I have a lot on my mind. Stop bothering me.”
“I’ve already heard this.”
“You know I don’t like to talk about that.”
“I don’t have answers for you.”
“I have no idea what you want me to say.”
“How would I know?
Countering
The abuser questions the memory and thoughts of the victim, and then supports the accusation with previous examples such as:
“You never remember things correctly.”
“You always exaggerate things.”
“You have a very active imagination.”
“Get your facts straight.”
“You have no faith in me.”
“You are always jumping to conclusions.”
“You heard incorrectly.”
“You know I never said that.”
“Remember how wrong you were last time?”
Blocking/Diverting
The abuser refuses to answer or comment, changes the subject, faults the victim for accusing or blaming her, or faults the victim for reacting the way he did, using phrases such as:
“I’m not going through this again.”
“We already talked about this”
“You are always looking for trouble/picking fights.”
“I don’t get where you are going with this.”
“You have to always be right.”
“Just shut up already.”
“Where did you get such an idiotic idea?”
“That’s just nonsense.”
“You are always complaining about something.”
“Why can’t you leave well enough alone?”
Trivializing
The abuser makes the thoughts and needs of the victim seem unimportant, making comments such as:
“That is hardly important.”
“Why let something so stupid come between us?”
“You’re just too sensitive.”
“That has nothing to do with us.”
“Get your priorities straight.”
“Why do you let everything bother you?”
“Stop analyzing everything.”
“Why are you wasting my time with this?”
“You always blow things out of proportion.”
“Let it go already.”
Forgetting/Denial
The abuser denies that things ever happened or denies promises she made to the victim to prevent him from getting a resolution, using phrases such as:
“I never did/said that.”
“That never happened.”
“I have never been there before.”
“I never saw/moved/took that.”
“You’re confusing me with someone else.”
“You are making that up.”
“You are delusional.”
“You never told me that.”
“I never promised you.”
“There is nothing wrong with my memory”
By creating confusion and anxiety, narcissists throw off their victim’s equilibrium. As a gaslighting victim, you may experience any or all of the following:
You wonder if you are the crazy one.
You feel depressed, anxious, and hopeless.
You don’t trust your perceptions, beliefs or judgments.
You find it hard to make decisions.
You are always apologizing for things you didn’t do.
You cannot figure out why you are so unhappy.
You lie to protect yourself and others.
You don’t know who you are anymore.
You have memory issues.
You have lost your personal power.
You give in instead of fighting for what you believe in.
You get confused, disoriented, or paranoid.
You think you are too sensitive or over-reactive.
You don’t know what is “normal” anymore.
You are the first to take the blame.
You never feel worthy or good enough.
You always feel guilty about something.
You are exhausted and drained.
You make excuses for your abuser’s behavior.
You are fearful of your abuser.
You have shut down your feelings and emotions.
Remember, your reality is valid, your experiences matter, and no one has the right to distort your truth.
Gaslighting can occur in any type of relationship to even the most discerning, insightful, and accomplished people. Intelligent people believe they are immune to this type of brainwashing, but they are no match for the calculating narcissist. Beware.
Randi Fine is an internationally renowned narcissistic abuse expert and recovery coach, and the author of the groundbreaking book Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery Second Edition, the most comprehensive, well-researched, and up-to-date book on this subject. In addition to helping survivors recognize their abuse and heal from it, this book teaches mental health professionals how to recognize and properly treat the associated abuse syndrome. She is also the author of the official companion workbook Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: A Comprehensive Workbook for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse. Randi Fine is the author of Cliffedge Road: A Memoir, the first and only book to characterize the life-long progression of complications caused by narcissistic child abuse.
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