Domestic Violence and Domestic Abuse
A Sobering Reality For Many Women and Men
Written by Narcissistic Abuse Expert and Recovery Coach Randi Fine
Narcissistic Abuse Awareness and Guidance with Randi Fine
It's a sobering reality that one in four women will face domestic violence and domestic abuse at some point in their lives. While women are often seen as the primary victims, it's important to recognize that about 40% of those affected by domestic abuse are men. This issue knows no boundaries; it can impact anyone, regardless of their gender, physical capabilities, sexual orientation, age, ethnicity, or financial status.
Domestic abuse and violence are unique compared to other violent crimes because they involve individuals who have a personal relationship with the victim. This can include family members, romantic partners, spouses or former spouses, or anyone with whom the victim has shared a home or a child.
Experiencing domestic violence and abuse can lead to a challenging emotional and psychological state for victims, complicating their ability to accept their situation. They often believe that by acting perfectly, they can bring back the love and kindness their partner once showed. When abusers apologize and promise to change, it can deepen the victims' hope that things will improve.
What Is Domestic Violence?
Any form of physical aggression, mistreatment, or assault that takes place in a domestic setting is classified as domestic violence. The abuser might not necessarily strike their victim, but they can still inflict harm through actions like pushing, shoving, pulling, restraining, or choking. Sexual abuse is also part of this definition. Forcing someone into sexual activity against their will, even if they have previously consented, is a violent act. Being compelled to engage in unwanted, risky, or degrading sexual encounters is a form of sexual abuse, irrespective of the relationship involved.
What Is Domestic Abuse?
When abuse in a relationship manifests without physical violence, it is known as (domestic) emotional abuse. Emotional abusers often employ tactics such as blaming, intimidation, insults, threats, and shaming to instill fear in their victims. They may control their victims by withholding financial resources or meticulously examining their spending habits. Furthermore, they might limit the use of transportation to prevent their victims from going out, forbid them from working, or force them to work while seizing their earnings. This form of abuse can also involve restricting access to basic necessities like food, clothing, and medical care, or threatening to leave victims without shelter.
Emotional and Physical Abuse Signs
It can be alarming to witness the extreme mood fluctuations in domestic abusers, which may give the impression of two separate personalities. They can be tender and loving one moment, then abruptly turn to insults, rage, or aggression. However, it’s crucial to recognize that most of these individuals are not mentally unstable; they are frequently exhibiting behaviors that they have learned from their environment. Violence and abuse should not be viewed as a loss of control; they are purposeful actions taken to establish power and control over someone else. Numerous triggers can escalate these situations.
Reflecting on the following questions can provide insight into whether your relationship is characterized by emotional or physical abuse:
Do you frequently experience fear in your relationship with your partner?
Are you experiencing a sense of restriction, feeling overwhelmed, or trapped in your current situation?
Does your abuser require you to be constantly attentive to them or often insist on having sex?
Are you struggling with feelings of unhappiness or crying more often than you'd like?
Do you find yourself being cautious or sidestepping particular discussions to ensure everything stays calm?
Do you find yourself going above and beyond to satisfy your partner, holding onto the hope that your love can mend the problems, only to feel like it’s never quite enough?
Do you ever find yourself defending your abuser or minimizing the seriousness of your experiences? Are you choosing to turn a blind eye to the reality of your situation?
Do you feel as though you are being treated like a child, an object, or a servant?
Do you often question whether you are at fault for the situations that led to your abuse, or do you believe that you are worthy of the mistreatment you've experienced?
Are you experiencing feelings of helplessness and despair, as if there’s no escape from your relationship?
Do you feel as though your emotional, financial, or physical well-being is tied to the existence of this relationship, making it seem impossible to thrive without it?
Is your partner battling substance use issues, and do they exhibit more abusive tendencies while under the influence?
Have you resorted to substance abuse, an eating disorder, or another form of addiction as a way to handle what you're going through?
Has the pattern of abuse grown worse over time?
Are you struggling with the fear of leaving your abuser because of what they might do to you, your children, your family, or your pets? Is there a concern that your abuser could resort to suicide if you take that step?
Isolation, Intimidation and Threats
Abusers often engage in behaviors that isolate their victims from their support systems, gradually wearing them down and diminishing their self-confidence. When victims are bombarded with messages that they are worthless, ugly, and stupid, they may start to accept these beliefs as their reality. Over time, they can lose sight of their own worth and come to think that the abuse is something they deserve. Feeling inadequate and believing that no one else would care for them, they often feel hopelessly stuck in the relationship.
Intimidation methods are frequently utilized to instill fear and ensure compliance from victims. Abusers might commit acts of violence or display weapons, sending a stark message that not following orders could lead to severe and unusual punishment. They may also direct threats toward the victims' family members, friends, and pets.
To prevent victims from escaping or alerting authorities, threats are often used. Abusers may intimidate their victims by threatening to file false charges or to report them for child abuse, creating a cycle of fear and control.
Victims who endure persistent threats, violence, and intimidation often find themselves losing touch with who they are. The relentless fear and instability can result in anxiety, hyper-vigilance, and a sense of emotional numbness. When they are constantly told that their experiences are not valid, it can undermine their confidence in their own perceptions, making them feel as if they are spiraling into madness.
Cycle of Abuse Patterns
There are common patterns that emerge in the cycle of abuse.
The actions of abusers, whether through harsh words or physical violence, are often a deliberate attempt to establish their superiority, leaving victims feeling powerless and under their control.
Many abusers feel guilty, but this guilt is usually tied to the fear of being caught rather than an acknowledgment of the harm they've caused. They often find ways to justify their actions and shift blame onto their victims, which helps them avoid facing the consequences of their behavior.
In their attempts to restore a sense of normalcy, abusers often engage in behaviors that aim to instill hope in their victims for potential change. They shower their victims with love, heartfelt apologies, and expressions of regret. They beg for forgiveness and assure their victims that they will not cause harm again, often promising to seek help for their issues.
Abusers often become preoccupied with the faults they attribute to their victims. They fantasize about and plan methods of punishment. Victims are intentionally placed in scenarios where they are likely to fail, which the abuser uses as a justification for their actions.
The impact of physical, emotional, and psychological abuse can be devastating, affecting a person's capacity to engage in daily activities. They may struggle with restless sleep or be haunted by nightmares. Feelings of depression and suicidal ideation can take hold, leading them to withdraw from life due to overwhelming shame, embarrassment, and hopelessness.
Red Flags
Accurately predicting domestic violence perpetrators is nearly impossible. Yet, we know that children who have been exposed to abusive role models are more likely to view violence as a normal part of relationships, which can lead them to become abusers themselves. Research shows that boys who witness domestic violence at home are seven times more likely to inflict harm on others.
Imagine how helpful it would be if potential domestic abusers had a visible warning sign. In a way, they already do. As you build a connection with someone, be mindful of certain warning signs that can help you steer clear of a relationship marked by domestic violence and abuse.
Low self-esteem: can lead individuals to criticize others as a misguided way to feel stronger and more self-assured.
Self centered: highly focused on having their physical and emotional needs met
Overly possessive: can lead to isolating individuals or intruding on their personal boundaries too soon in a relationship.
Conflict oriented: often engaging in disputes with others, frequently feeling anger towards someone, and sometimes instigating confrontations.
Addicted to drama: finding satisfaction in never-ending chaos
Angry: prone to losing temper too easily
History of violent behavior: instances of past aggression and the habit of blaming others for triggering those outbursts.
Criminal history: background of legal troubles or conflicts with the law
Cruel or abusive behavior toward animals
History of or current substance abuse issues
Complicated or troubled relationships with family
History of problematic romantic relationships
Unmotivated, not working, or not going to school
Understanding someone's past behavior can provide valuable insight into their future conduct. If you see any red flags, take the initiative to learn more about their background and be honest with yourself about what you discover.
Should you miss or dismiss the warning signs and find yourself more deeply engaged in the relationship, there are particular behaviors that can serve as clear markers of an abusive individual.
Never takes responsibility for his or her actions
Lashes out at you and then justifies actions by blaming you for creating the problem
Denies his or her mistakes
Insists that what you've seen, heard, or experienced never happened
Is extremely possessive and uncontrollably jealous
Falsely accuses you of flirting with others or cheating
Tells you how to dress and how to act
Monitors your weight and your food intake
Calls your cell phone constantly and/or insists on knowing who you are talking to when you’re on the phone
Has a short fuse, violent temper, and is destructive
Hurts you by destroying things that are personal or sentimental to you
Is selfish and disrespectful
Cheats on you, manipulates you, and lies to you
Insists that you have sex when you don’t want to or in ways that disgust you
Degrades you, calls you names, ignores you or your feelings, tells you you're stupid, and/or tells you to shut up
Accentuates your flaws
Compares you to other partners
Humiliates you in front of other people
Threatens to hurt you, your family, or your pet
Tells you you're wonderful one minute and then berates you shortly after
Say he or she can’t live without you and/or threatens to commit suicide if you leave
If you are being forced to exchange your rights, desires, and freedom of expression for your abuser’s mercy you are not in a relationship and this is not love.
Abuse is abuse; it is not acceptable no matter what the level. If you've yet to be physically assaulted, you are not out of danger . Emotional abuse often leads to physical violence.
Help For Women and Men Survivors
The landscape of domestic violence awareness changed dramatically after the 1970s, thanks to the efforts of the women's movement, which illuminated the struggles faced by victims. Prior to this, there was a significant lack of understanding and resources available. Today, many communities are equipped with domestic violence programs that offer crucial support to women, helping them to stay safe. These programs are staffed by professionals who are committed to assisting women in navigating their challenges, advocating for their needs, and helping them create a survival plan, regardless of their decision about the relationship.
Reporting your abuse to the justice system can sometimes lead to heightened anger from your abuser, potentially putting you at greater risk. It’s advisable to consult with a victim service professional to explore your options, including the possibility of obtaining a restraining order. Whether you decide to report the domestic violence or not, it’s essential to document everything. Keep copies of emails, texts, and any recordings or voicemails. Take photos of injuries or any other evidence, and try to obtain statements from witnesses if you can. This information will be invaluable if you ever need to take legal action or if you find yourself in a divorce or child custody hearing.
The reality for male victims of domestic violence is that they frequently lack the same level of support and resources available to women, resulting in many incidents remaining unreported. Many men feel a sense of shame when it comes to admitting they have been abused by a woman, and unless their injuries are significant, they may opt to tolerate the abuse. Furthermore, societal norms often portray men as the aggressors, which can prevent them from standing up for themselves due to the fear of being accused of violence.
Law enforcement typically tends to overlook or minimize the importance of men’s complaints. When these issues are brought to court, the judicial system often appears to favor women. Many men have shared experiences of being treated similarly by domestic abuse hotlines. Thankfully, there is an organization called SAFE, which means “Stop Abuse for Everyone,” that works to provide services for all victims and ensure accountability for all offenders. SAFE can be reached 24/7 by calling 877-995-5247. Men can also access the specific help they require at HelpGuide.Org.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline, confidential support 24/7/365, is available to everyone, no matter the situation, gender, or sexual preference, without judgment. They can be reached by calling 800-799-7233.
Advice For Concerned Friends, Family, Loved Ones
The repercussions of domestic violence and abuse reach far beyond the individuals directly involved. Children who witness these acts are victims in their own right, facing potential emotional and social difficulties that can last a lifetime. Adults caught in the cycle of abuse may be so preoccupied with their own safety that they fail to recognize the impact on others in the household. Once they become aware of the suffering of their loved ones, they are often more motivated to seek help. If you observe that children or other family members are struggling, please don’t hesitate to speak out.
We may not fully understand the situations that unfold behind closed doors, but our observations can provide valuable insights. Below is a list of warning signs to help identify domestic abuse and violence:
Cut off or restricted from interactions with friends and family
Never without his or her partner
Has limited financial resources
Has frequent, "accidental" injuries
Dresses oddly or inappropriately and/or wears sunglasses all the time
Frequently absent from work or school
Often misses social engagements
Seems to fear his or her partner
Constantly worried about pleasing the partner, never voices an opinion around the partner, and/or is always agreeing with whatever the partner says and does
Mentions the partner's anger, possessiveness, and/or jealous temperament
Partner constantly checking in and/or demanding frequent reporting in
Should you suspect that someone is enduring domestic violence or abuse, please take the initiative to help – don’t wait for the individual to seek your support. It may seem like it’s not your concern, but your involvement could be vital in protecting the person's life.
Many victims find it difficult to discuss their abuse or may be unaware of the true extent of their danger. They might be remaining in the relationship as a means of survival. It’s important to gently ask if something is troubling them and to express your concern for their safety. Point out the specific signs that have led to your worry. Let them know that you are here to support them through their challenges and that you are always available to listen. Reassure them that they can trust you completely.
Supporting abuse victims through their healing process is crucial. Refrain from giving advice, judging, or applying any pressure. Emphasize that their experiences are not their fault. Be an attentive listener and validate their feelings. Remind them of their importance to friends and family, and that they are worthy of love and respect.
Offer to connect with social service agencies, legal professionals, and safe houses for them. You can provide a temporary home, financial support, or childcare assistance. Also, consider arranging transportation to help them find the help they need.
Randi Fine is an internationally renowned narcissistic abuse expert and recovery coach, and the author of the groundbreaking book Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery Second Edition, the most comprehensive, well-researched, and up-to-date book on this subject. In addition to helping survivors recognize their abuse and heal from it, this book teaches mental health professionals how to recognize and properly treat the associated abuse syndrome. She is also the author of the official companion workbook Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: A Comprehensive Workbook for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse. Randi Fine is the author of Cliffedge Road: A Memoir, the first and only book to characterize the life-long progression of complications caused by narcissistic child abuse.
Comentarios