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Facing a Divorce With a High Conflict Narcissist? How to Assemble the Essential Winning Team

Updated: Nov 7


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Facing a Divorce With a High Conflict Narcissist?

How to Assemble the Essential Winning Team

Written by Narcissistic Abuse Expert and Recovery Coach Randi Fine

Narcissistic Abuse Awareness and Guidance with Randi Fine

If you’re facing a divorce with a high conflict narcissist, you’re not just dealing with emotional turmoil; you’re also confronting a future filled with potential pitfalls. To navigate this tough journey, in addition to a reputable and specialized high conflict divorce attorney, you will benefit tremendously from additional resources and support.


Divorce can feel like a storm, especially when you’re with someone who brings high conflict behaviors to the table. Many people think hiring an experienced, qualified attorney is all they need, but that is just the start. Narcissistic spouses often manipulate others, show little empathy, and can display erratic behavior. If you try to settle without seeking legal advice or outside the legal advice of your attorney, you risk compromising your immediate welfare and, even worse, your long-term future.


Understanding the nature of narcissistic personality disorder and taking proactive steps can help you reclaim your power, assure a more desirable legal outcome, and emerge stronger.


Understanding Narcissism


Narcissism is not just a personality quirk; it comes with distinctive features such as a sense of entitlement, an exaggerated self-image, an overwhelming need for admiration, a notable lack of empathy, and a pervasive sadistic streak that complicates conflict resolution.


Research shows that individuals with narcissistic personality disorder often engage in manipulation, making them particularly challenging partners during a divorce. Their behavior can range from aggressive manipulation to complete refusal to compromise, particularly during significant life events like divorce.


All marriages with narcissistic spouses face high levels of conflict, which is guaranteed to complicate the legal process of divorce significantly. Recognizing these traits can prepare you for the emotional and legal hurdles ahead.


Navigating divorce with a high-conflict narcissist is anything but straightforward. These individuals prioritize their desires above anyone else, lacking consideration for your rights or feelings. Grasping their psychological makeup can clarify why any negotiations with them can be fraught with danger.


During divorce, this erratic behavior can create chaos, leading to emotional distress and protracted negotiations, especially as settlement discussions intensify.


Characteristics of a High Conflict Narcissist


High conflict narcissists share distinct traits:


  • Lack of Empathy: Their inability to understand or care about others makes real communication almost impossible. For example, they may ignore your concerns during discussions about financial difficulties or child welfare issues.


  • Need for Control: They thrive on dominating situations, leading to manipulative strategies that keep them in charge. You might notice them dictating terms during discussions, leaving you feeling powerless.


  • Blame Shifting: A narcissist frequently redirects blame. Serious allegations such as infidelity, child endangerment, or financial misconduct may be made against you to divert accountability.


  • Instability: Their moods change unexpectedly, contributing to erratic behavior that can derail negotiations. One moment they might seem agreeable, and the next, they're volatile, adding to your stress.


Recognizing these characteristics is vital for understanding the risks involved in negotiating a settlement without the support and guidance of a team of professionals.


The Stakes Are High: Why They Derail


Understanding why high conflict narcissists engage in derailment tactics is key to navigating their behavior. Their primary objectives often include the following:


  1. Control and Dominance: As divorce symbolizes a loss of control, narcissists will resort to manipulative tactics to regain a sense of power.


  2. Self-Preservation: They may engage in unethical behavior to protect their interests, often putting their spouse at a disadvantage. For example, narcissists often misrepresent financial information to secure a more favorable settlement.


  3. A Need for Attention: Narcissists often seek to remain the center of attention, portraying themselves as victims to divert attention from their behavior and actions.


Recognizing these motivations can prepare you for the psychological challenges ahead.


Emotional Manipulation and Other Tactics


High-conflict narcissists excel at emotional manipulation. Awareness of these manipulative tactics allows you to maintain a steady course and make informed decisions.


Engaging directly with them during the legal process may lead to exhausting confrontations that erode your mental clarity. Narcissistic manipulation can take many forms, including:


  • Playing the Victim: A narcissist may manipulate emotions by presenting themselves as the victim. If they claim that the divorce is causing them undue pain, you may feel guilt that can derail your focus on your own needs.


  • Love Bombing: This involves overwhelming you with affection and attention to regain control. This tactic can be particularly effective if emotional scars from the relationship remain.


  • Gaslighting: They might twist facts to make you question your reality, pushing you into a state of self-doubt.


  • Emotional Blackmail: Threats related to custody or other personal matters may be leveraged to coerce you into disadvantageous agreements.


  • Delaying and Disrupting: Intentionally causing delays is another tactic high conflict narcissists frequently use. They may file frivolous motions or continually seek postponements, aiming to exhaust you emotionally and financially.


Each time you negotiate without legal assistance, you risk being caught in their psychological traps. High conflict narcissists thrive on emotional confrontations that can confuse you and sabotage your success. Communication with your lawyer and your professional support team minimizes unnecessary drama.


The Strengths and Limitations of Even the Best Divorce Attorneys


While an experienced attorney, specializing in high conflict divorce is essential for navigating the legal maze of a challenging divorce, their expertise generally focuses on the law, and not on the psychological and emotional manipulation you will encounter. For instance, they can utilize strategic methods to fend off narcissistic manipulative tactics, guide you through asset division, child custody issues, and all other legal proceedings pertinent to your case. They are not trained, nor do they have time, to combat the personal attacks or mental games that a narcissistic spouse may unleash, especially as these manipulative tactics intensify in the last few months leading up to the settlement or court hearing. This oversight can leave you unprepared for the emotional toll such tactics can inflict on your confidence and mental health, and ultimately sabotage the outcome of your case.


The High Conflict Divorce Team Approach


High conflict divorce attorneys recognize the critical role of their support team in ensuring you stay emotionally grounded and focused on the legal journey ahead. They are not therapists and are not equipped to address issues related to narcissistic manipulation. Your investment is in their legal knowledge, and it’s essential for them to remain focused on the matter at hand.


As the settlement date nears, both parties feel the mounting pressure. High conflict narcissists, especially when they sense a legal disadvantage, will heighten their efforts to disrupt the process, employing manipulative tactics that can be hard to resist. This underscores the importance of having a dependable and experienced team of professionals by your side.


The emotional rollercoaster that accompanies high conflict divorce can leave individuals feeling overwhelmed and powerless. The most favorable results occur when your team is brought together at the onset of the divorce process and stays unified until the process is fully completed.


To guarantee a successful outcome, in addition to your high-conflict divorce attorney you should strongly consider employing:


  1. A Narcissistic Abuse Expert


    Not all therapists are equipped to handle the complexities of narcissistic abuse. Engaging with a narcissistic abuse expert, rather than a traditional therapist, can provide you with essential coping strategies. Many therapists are capable of addressing general trauma, but the intricacies of narcissistic dynamics necessitate specialized training and firsthand experience with comparable trauma. There is a limited pool of therapists who are equipped with the experience or training required to manage trauma associated with narcissistic abuse.


    This type of professional can help you re-establish your self-esteem and navigate the psychological landscape of your divorce. Targeted mental health support can boost psychological resilience, equipping you with the tools necessary to counteract the narcissist's manipulative strategies. By responding thoughtfully rather than impulsively, you can maintain your strength and composure throughout the process.


  2. A High Conflict Divorce Strategist or Coach


    The strategic approach of a high conflict divorce strategist or coach is grounded in a deep understanding of the choreography of the family court system, the nuances of high conflict situations, and the psychological dynamics at play. By focusing on preemptive measures and proactive solutions, a skilled strategist empowers individuals to regain control and navigate these challenging terrains with resilience.


    Your high-conflict divorce strategist/coach will guide you through each stage, ensuring you stay focused on your goals. This professional can collaborate with your attorney to develop a cohesive strategy and even assist in crafting responses to your spouse’s manipulative actions. This synergy can strongly enhance your preparedness for upcoming challenges.


Investing a modest amount in your high conflict divorce team now can save you from facing tens of thousands in legal expenses down the line. Access to experienced professionals during challenging moments allows for a smoother transition from emotional turmoil to strategic planning, which means you’ll spend less time with your attorney and ultimately save a significant amount of money.


A Final Thought


Taking these proactive steps will empower you to reclaim your voice and dignity. When dealing with a narcissist, your strategy should include more than just legal representation. Emotional support, practical guidance, and a well-rounded team are essential in getting through this process.


By equipping yourself with the right tools and resources, you can confidently navigate the complexities of divorce, avoid the pitfalls of narcissistic manipulation, and emerge resilient and empowered.



Randi Fine, Narcissistic Abuse Expert and Recovery Coach

Randi Fine is an internationally renowned narcissistic abuse expert and recovery coach, and the author of the groundbreaking book Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery Second Edition, the most comprehensive, well-researched, and up-to-date book on this subject. In addition to helping survivors recognize their abuse and heal from it, this book teaches mental health professionals how to recognize and properly treat the associated abuse syndrome. She is also the author of the official companion workbook Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: A Comprehensive Workbook for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse. Randi Fine is the author of Cliffedge Road: A Memoir, the first and only book to characterize the life-long progression of complications caused by narcissistic child abuse.  



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