Denial
Benefits and Danger of Emotional Blindness
Written by Narcissistic Abuse Expert and Recovery Coach Randi Fine
Narcissistic Abuse Awareness and Guidance with Randi Fine
Denial is characterized by the refusal to acknowledge or accept painful truths, distressing thoughts, and uncomfortable feelings despite overwhelming evidence that the reality exists.
Denial is not always a bad thing. It is normal to engage in small amounts from time to time and we all use it. It can be a beneficial mechanism that absorbs emotional shock and protects our psychological health. It helps us temporarily cope with tough situations such as grieving, disasters, or trauma that might otherwise interfere with our ability to function. It gives us time to adjust to traumatic changes that occur in our lives.
When used to cope with life for short, critical periods of time, denial is healthy and beneficial. It only becomes a problem when we use it for extended periods of time to avoid accepting a truth and working through our issues, and when we become stuck in an emotionally blind mindset that prevents us from moving forward.
Freud's Ten Categories Of Denial
Freud theorized that defense mechanisms such as denial are strategies used by the unconscious mind to manipulate, deny, or distort reality in order to defend against feelings of anxiety and unacceptable impulses.
He breaks the use of denial into ten categories:
Rejection involves either a complete rejection of the existence of a reality or an admission of its truth, but a minimization of its importance. For instance, those with addictions often use rejection when confronted with a habit they don’t want to give up.
Repression is an unconscious mechanism used to keep painful information out of our conscious awareness. For instance, those who have had painful childhoods or painful childhood episodes that they have difficulty remembering are said to have repressed those memories.
Suppression is a conscious mechanism used to push undesired information out of our awareness or delay it. For instance, someone who has bills piling up may put off paying them by finding reasons to be too busy.
Displacement is an ego defense mechanism that involves shifting blame on to others for anxiety producing frustrations or anger about ourselves, others, or situations we find ourselves in. For instance, someone who is frustrated with her boss at work, but cannot act on it for fear she will lose her job, may come home and lash out at her family.
Sublimation is a defense mechanism used to convert unacceptable impulses to a more acceptable form or more productive outlets. For instance, someone who has anger management issues may take up boxing as a socially acceptable way to vent frustration.
Projection is a passive aggressive defense mechanism, used to protect the ego, that involves projecting undesirable or unacceptable thoughts, feelings, or impulses onto someone else. For instance, someone who dislikes another person and feels guilty about it may believe that it is the other person who dislikes him.
Intellectualization is a defense mechanism used to avoid thinking about uncomfortable feelings, or the reality of a situation, by focusing on the intellectual aspect of it. For instance, someone with cancer may distance himself from the stressful reality of his diagnosis by delving deep into research about it.
Rationalization is a defense mechanism used to distort the facts or explain something away to make a behavior, feeling, impulse, or situation easier to accept. For instance, a woman suffering from domestic violence may rationalize that her husband really is a good person who doesn’t mean to hurt her.
Regression is a defense mechanism used to reduce anxiety by abandoning developed coping skills and reverting back to earlier stages of development. For instance, a child who fears starting first grade may begin wetting his pants. An adult may throw a temper tantrum when she doesn’t get her way.
Reaction Formation is a defense mechanism used to hide true feelings by behaving in an opposite way. For instance, a boy who likes a girl may bully her to cover up his feelings. Someone may act prim and proper to hide his sexual obsessions.
Applications of Denial
Defense mechanisms such as denial may be used when one's sense of control, ego, or safety is threatened, and anytime the person feels fragile or vulnerable. There may be denial that a problem exists or the significance of the problem may be minimized. In an effort to avoid resolution, the person may claim that no options exist.
Denial may be used to maintain relationships with partners, spouses, children, or other family members that are fraught with issues. Excuses and justifications are made or heads are buried in the sand when a spouse cheats, a child has an eating disorder or is on drugs, a parent is abusive, or there is evidence of sexual abuse in a family.
Many people are in denial about the reality of death. Senior citizens may refuse to make arrangements for funerals, burials, and estates, or may refuse to discuss their plans and wishes with family members.
Someone with a chronic or terminal illness may deny that it exists, avoiding medical care that could potentially save or prolong the person's life. Someone with mental health issues may not take prescribed medicine, denying that it is needed. Or someone with personal or emotional issues may refuse to seek counseling that could help make the quality of life better.
Substance abusers and those with other addictions deny that have a problem because they do not want to stop using or engaging in self-destructive behaviors. They will deny that the problem is as bad as others think it is and/or claim that they have it under control.
Those with anger issues may claim that they are not angry or that someone else is responsible for making them act the way they do. They may justify their verbal aggression with the fact that they never physically assault anyone.
Fear of facing or changing one's self may cause the person to use denial with excuses such as: "I am who I am and cannot change," and "I have tried before and failed therefore I refuse to try again.
Someone may choose to see a situation as hopeless to avoid having to do anything about it, or insist that no one else is capable of taking care of a problem and refusing help.
Those who suffered childhood abuse at the hands of their parents may describe their childhood as being normal or happy. They may claim that their parents were strict but loving, or say that they were not abused because their parents never hit them when the truth is that the emotional abuse they endured for many years scarred them deeply. Or they may claim that the physical abuse was just discipline given for their own good; that it made them better people.
Denial may be used individually or as a group mentality, as in the case of a nation who refuses to acknowledge sinister or self-serving political motives. Countries risk their future by denying the realities before them. History repeats itself when groups of people deny that catastrophic mass murder exterminations such as the Holocaust ever occurred.
The Seven Stages of Denial
Denial isn’t just a concept used for addictive behaviors or major life changes. It shows up in our daily lives, impacting our relationships, choices, and how we see ourselves. Recognizing these denial stages can spark significant personal growth and healing.
Stage 1: Shock
The journey through denial frequently begins with shock, characterized by disbelief. This emotion can arise from unexpected news, such as losing a loved one, experiencing a personal failure, or facing a significant life change. For instance, if someone suddenly loses their job, they might feel as though they are in a fog, unable to comprehend the full impact of that event.
In times of shock, it's crucial to recognize your emotional state. Allowing yourself some time to process this discomfort is essential. Studies show that taking brief breaks can enhance emotional resilience, enabling a smoother transition to the next stages of healing.
Stage 2: Disbelief
As the initial shock fades, disbelief often takes over. Individuals find themselves grappling with the reality of the situation while struggling to accept it. This is when thoughts may circulate around phrases like “this can’t be happening,” or “I must be dreaming.”
This stage can be risky, potentially leading to unhealthy coping methods, such as substance use or avoiding responsibilities. Connecting with a trusted friend or a professional can bridge the gap between disbelief and acceptance. Research indicates that talking about your feelings with someone who understands can help validate those emotions and facilitate progress.
Stage 3: Isolation
With disbelief frequently comes isolation. The instinct to withdraw can feel overwhelming, making social interactions burdensome. A person might feel that others cannot comprehend their experience, leading to further withdrawal.
Encouraging self-care during this time is vital. Activities such as journaling, meditation, or engaging in hobbies like painting or music can provide emotional relief without needing to communicate verbally.
Stage 4: Bargaining
In the bargaining phase, individuals engage in a mental negotiation, contemplating whether circumstances can be reversed. Thoughts might include, “If only I had done this differently…” or “I’ll change if it restores my life to what it was before.”
This stage reflects both hope and the hindrance of genuine acceptance. It’s a key point where individuals need to shift focus from “what could have been” to “what can now be.” Seeking therapy or participating in inviting conversations can ease this transition.
Stage 5: Guilt
As bargaining wanes, guilt typically emerges. Here, individuals confront feelings of remorse and responsibility for their situation, often leading to self-critical thoughts that amplify self-blame.
During this stage, practicing self-compassion is crucial. Acknowledge that feeling guilty is common, but it should not define your identity. Techniques like positive affirmations or professional counseling can provide essential support.
Stage 6: Anger
Anger is a common response to the injustices or losses one experiences. This emotion can show itself in many forms—directed towards oneself, loved ones, or even the circumstances at hand. For instance, someone might find themselves frustrated with a friend for not understanding their situation.
Finding productive outlets for anger is very important. Physical activities like jogging or sports, pursuing art, or discussing feelings in therapy sessions can help release built-up tension.
Stage 7: Acceptance
The final stage, acceptance, does not necessarily mean joy, but it does involve recognizing and understanding your reality. Here, individuals come to terms with their experiences, acknowledging them without the intense emotions that were prevalent earlier.
Acceptance allows for personal growth and renewal. This stage can be viewed as an invitation to engage in new experiences aligned with your current reality. Actively pursuing relationships that foster growth can lead to meaningful experiences and new beginnings. Embracing this stage can be crucial for moving forward.
Dangers Of Denial
The use of denial can be dangerous:
When someone refuses to accept the seriousness of a problem
When someone is clearly on the brink of suicide and no one wants to believe it could happen
When people who engage in unhealthy behaviors deny that what they do is harmful or life threatening
When parents enable their children’s destructive behavior or deny that it is problematic, for self-serving reasons
When a business or company is obviously failing and employees do not preemptively find employment elsewhere
When a property is in foreclosure or a renter faces an eviction, and the resident or owner ignores the problem
When we live beyond our means or max out our credit cards and end up with debt we cannot afford to pay back
When issues are not dealt with and problems get worse
When traumatic or deeply emotional issues are repressed for long periods of time
Denial should only be used as a temporary measure to help us cope with unexpected trauma or to absorb the shock when something suddenly overwhelms us. It is perfectly healthy to put off dealing with something until we have time to process it or adapt to it.
Overcoming The Use Of Denial
To counteract the habit of using denial as a coping mechanism, practice feeling and expressing emotions as they come up. Avoid hiding or burying them just because they may feel uncomfortable. Muster up the courage to face yourself as you are and admit what needs to be changed. Explore the negative consequences you have faced or may face through avoidance and procrastination.
Share your feelings with those you trust, within the safety of a support group, in a private journal, or with a qualified mental health provider.
Understand that change takes effort and time. Your habits took time to form and they will take time to break. Always be patient with yourself.
Randi Fine is an internationally renowned narcissistic abuse expert and recovery coach, and the author of the groundbreaking book Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery Second Edition, the most comprehensive, well-researched, and up-to-date book on this subject. In addition to helping survivors recognize their abuse and heal from it, this book teaches mental health professionals how to recognize and properly treat the associated abuse syndrome. She is also the author of the official companion workbook Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: A Comprehensive Workbook for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse. Randi Fine is the author of Cliffedge Road: A Memoir, the first and only book to characterize the life-long progression of complications caused by narcissistic child abuse.
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