Craving Validation and Closure With a Narcissist?
Resist the Temptation to Have the Last Word
Written by Narcissistic Abuse Expert and Recovery Coach, Randi Fine
Narcissistic Abuse Awareness and Guidance with Randi Fine
You find yourself in yet another heated argument with a narcissistic abuser, desperately craving validation and closure. Each discussion seems like a battleground where winning is elusive, and having the last word feels like an unattainable dream, yet you still yearn to have it. In this blog post, we delve into the intricate dynamics of interacting with a narcissistic abuser, exploring why obtaining that final say may be a fruitless pursuit.
Seeking Validation in a Desert
For those who have endured narcissistic abuse, validation is like water in a desert. You yearn for acknowledgment, understanding, and empathy. However, a narcissistic abuser is incapable of providing you with the validation you seek. They are skilled at invalidating your emotions and experiences, leaving you feeling unheard and insignificant. Your quest for validation becomes an endless cycle, perpetuated by the abuser's refusal to acknowledge your reality.
Your Eureka Moment
You have struggled long and hard with the interactions you've had with the abuser in your life. While searching for answers to help explain the abuser's painful, unpredictable, frustrating, and cruel behavior towards you, and in an effort to gain some sense of clarity and stability in regard to it, you have had a "eureka moment". Every bizarre, unexplainable, disconnected behavior that you've witnessed in the abuser can be singularly characterized by one diagnostic phrase; Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Never having heard of this disorder, or at least understood the implications of it, you voraciously search for information about it. Confirmation received again and again solidifies your belief that the abuser in your life does in fact have narcissistic personality disorder.
Now what do you do about it?
The Urge to Confront and Educate
Most likely you have learned that narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition. And you may have heard a professional somewhere state that NPD is a treatable condition (something I wholeheartedly disagree with). You cling to a shred of hope that the abuser can get better. If only the person knew what was wrong with him and how it was hurting you, he could remedy it. The majority of the effort would then be on them, not you. And you wouldn't be in the position of having to make excruciatingly painful life-altering decisions.
If you have drawn and stuck to that conclusion, the logical next step may be to inform the abuser that she has a mental health condition, back the disclosure up with the plethora of information you've gathered about NPD, and hope she is willing to get treatment.
To your dismay, when you do this, your gesture of kindness and concern is met with extreme hostility, the situation was turned on you, and you were blamed, as you always are.
If you only had the best intentions, how did things go so wrong?
Applying Logic To an Illogical Situation
For one, you used logic to confront an illogical situation. Nothing about this disorder and the related abuse is cognitively relatable. Approaches normally used will flare, not resolve issues with narcissists, because everything about NPD is counterintuitive.
Narcissists cannot be confronted about their behavior; not even in the most loving or gentlest sense, without extremely negative consequences. There is no way to reason with them, communicate with them, or compromise with them. They will never consider or see things through your perspective. They have no compassion for your thoughts and feelings. They simply do not care about you.
Narcissists feed heavily on reactions and emotions, and will do almost anything to solicit them. You may think you are standing up to them, or putting them in their place by asserting yourself or confronting them, but you are not. You are perpetuating the abuse. They enjoy the attention they get from your scolding, assertions, and negative reactions. It only encourages them to abuse you more. The more you react, the worse the situation will become for you.
Silence and withdrawal of attention is excruciating for narcissists. If you are feeling vengeful or looking for ways to punish them, that is THE way to do it.
The Illusion of Winning
As you engage in an argument with a narcissistic abuser, you may notice a pattern – a pattern where every attempt to prove a point or convey your feelings is met with deflection, denial, or gaslighting. The issue is not about the topic at hand; it's about control and manipulation. The narcissistic abuser thrives on discord, and allowing you to have the last word would relinquish their perceived power over you.
A Futile Battle
This brings me to the point of this article. I strongly advise that my clients walk away from the abuser to avoid conflict and make strides towards permanently leaving them--all without saying a word. I advise them not to stand up for themselves, not to try to prove a point, not to seek validation, not to call them out on their bad behavior (as in "I know who you are" or I know what you did"), and to completely give up on the notion of having the last word, because these things will elevate the abuse and possibly put them in danger.
Some clients heed my advice. Others go rogue, and then when everything goes off the rails, desperate and fearful after an unsettling outcome, seek my guidance. Sometimes the damage is reparable, often it is not.
I understand that the temptation to do these things is strong and that the impulse can be overpowering at times, but you must resist it. Find a professional you can trust and then fully rely on that person's expert advice. Relying on your own logic, the advice of a layperson, or the advice of those you meet in narcissistic abuse support group rooms, can potentially cause you irreparable harm.
Be Wise: Get It Right From the Start
If you ultimately choose to navigate this process using your own instincts (which is inadvisable), you are certain to get this wrong. Please be aware of the risk you are taking by doing that for yourself and possibly your children.
There will never be validation from or closure with the narcissist, so don't bother trying to get it. The journey to recovery from this type of abuse is one you will have to take within yourself. I hope you wisely choose to navigate that challenging process with the help of a skilled, professional.
You can grow and heal, and then put the experience in your rear-view mirror. The narcissist is forever trapped in the living hell he or she has created.
This journey will go much smoother if you get it right from the start. Don't hesitate to reach out and allow someone to help you find your way back to the sanity and peace of mind you deserve.
Closure: An Elusive Concept
Closure is a concept that many victims of narcissistic abuse desperately long for. You hope that by having the last word or reaching a resolution, you can finally put an end to the turmoil and find peace. Unfortunately, closure is often unattainable in relationships with narcissistic abusers. They thrive on keeping you entangled in a web of ambiguity and uncertainty, ensuring that closure remains just out of reach.
Navigating a relationship with a narcissistic abuser is a challenging journey, filled with twists and turns. Despite your ardent desire to have the last word, obtain validation, and find closure, these goals may remain elusive in the presence of such manipulative individuals. Remember, the power lies in recognizing the dynamics at play and focusing on your healing and well-being, rather than engaging in a futile battle for the last word.
Next time you find yourself embroiled in an argument with a narcissistic abuser, pause and reflect on the futility of seeking the last word. Instead, prioritize your mental health and seek support from those who value and validate you. The path to healing begins with understanding, self-compassion, and the realization that you are worthy of respect and dignity.
Randi Fine is an internationally renowned narcissistic abuse expert and recovery coach, and the author of the groundbreaking book Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery Second Edition, the most comprehensive, well-researched, and up-to-date book on this subject. In addition to helping survivors recognize their abuse and heal from it, this book teaches mental health professionals how to recognize and properly treat the associated abuse syndrome. She is also the author of the official companion workbook Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: A Comprehensive Workbook for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse. Randi Fine is the author of Cliffedge Road: A Memoir, the first and only book to characterize the life-long progression of complications caused by narcissistic child abuse.
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