How to Spot a Narcissist on the Prowl

Recognizing the Red Flags

Article Written by Randi Fine

Author of Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery

Narcissists are everywhere. These predators covertly walk among us in droves. Adept at changing their personalities in pursuit of their life-blood, narcissistic supply, and presenting with a human appearance, they are virtually unrecognizable. This reality is terrifying to anyone who has ever been unwittingly targeted and trapped in their webs of deceit.

The good new is that, though you must be extremely cautious, there are clear warning signs to watch for and dating protocols to diligently follow that will help to protect you.

Charismatic or Pitiful Individuals

Narcissists are notorious for their charismatic personalities. This ability is crucial in capturing narcissistic supply and when recognized should be avoided. But they can also present as people who are down on their luck: their ex left them, parents were abusive, they’re financially struggling, no place to live, etc. If they size you up as compassionate, forgiving, generous, and/or someone with undefined boundaries they may use this tactic to make you feel sorry for them. Warning: Both could be traps.

Life Story or Situation Closely Matches Yours

Narcissists want to bring your guard down. One way to accomplish that is to point out the commonalities that exist between you. They may relate similar stories to yours, share similar backgrounds, enjoy the same things you do (sports, music, hobbies, food, etc.), or express similar life goals. If you say you are considering relocating to a specific area they may say they’ve always thought about moving there. Warning: If things seem too perfect right out of the gate they probably are not.

The Interview

Narcissists interview potential victims in the dating and honeymoon stage of the “relationship” so they will eventually know exactly how to hurt them. They pretend to be totally interested in what you have to say and encourage you to share your goals, hopes, dreams for the future.. They also encourage you to reveal the details of people, events, or traumas that have caused you pain. This tactic makes you feel as if you have finally found a best friend; one who is is interested in what you have to say, is easy to talk to, and “gets” you. Warning: Everything you say can and will be used against you. The purpose of the interview is to get you to reveal all your emotional buttons. You can be certain they will eventually push every one of them. Don’t share any personal information until you know exactly who you are sharing it with.

Too Much Chemistry

Narcissists get the endorphins firing in your brain to create an addiction to them and blind you to the truth of who they really are. Many women tell me that they would not have normally been attracted to the narcissistic men but there was “just something about them” they couldn’t resist. Men usually tell me that the narcissistic women are irresistibly beautiful. These statements are general. Sometimes the men are good looking and the women physically unattractive. What’s important to know is that if physical intimacy enters the picture too soon you can easily be trapped. When allowed to be expressed, chemistry with a narcissist is usually intense. To avoid the temptation, only date in neutral places; never at either of your homes. Warning: Beware of fiery beginnings. Take it slow.

Leave the Caretaker in You Home

Narcissists will test you to see how generous, understanding, and flexible you are. If you show that side to them they will know you are an easy mark. Let them pamper you for awhile. Resist the temptation to offer up any of your money. Do not feel as if you have to reciprocate any of their gestures or expenditures. Once they’ve been carefully vetted you can loosen that up a bit. Warning: Don’t be a rescuer or look to be rescued. Healthy relationships take two whole, mentally healthy people who have resolved their own issues and are invested in each other one hundred percent. If you have the tendency to give too much, work on your boundary system before you begin dating.

Verify, Verify, Verify

Narcissists lie about everything so take nothing they say at face value, no matter how sincerely it seems to be said. Assume, until proven otherwise, that nothing said to you is true. Verify everything you’ve been told; who they are, where they live, where they work, who their family is, how much money they have or make, etc. If the information cannot be verified it is likely to be false. Warning: You may be dating an imposter.

Name Smearing

Narcissists notoriously smear peoples’ names for revenge purposes. Beware of anyone who talks trash about her/his exes. Their exes are probably very nice people, just as you are, who were victimized and then either thrown away or wised up. Warning: You could be next.

A person with good intentions should pass this test with flying colors. When in doubt, trust your instincts. They never lie. If something feels “off” then it is. Yes, you are over-cautious because you’ve been badly burned, but anyone truly interested in you will allow you to set the rules and the pace. Do not be pressured.


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Strategies Tips and Tactics for Dealing with NPD Abuse


How to Manipulate Your Manipulator

Plus Helpful Tips For Getting Through the Holidays

You can also listen to this by going to the recorded version of the December 14, 2018 show on A Fine Time for Healing.

Randi Fine

The highlights discussed in this video are:

  • How to use narcissistic abuse tactics on your abuser
  • How to calm down a chronically hostile home
  • How to manipulate your abuser to get what you want
  • How to deal with your narcissistic abuser in court
  • Generic phrases that respond to the narcissist but don’t really say anything
  • Making decisions on how you want to spend the holiday season
  • Boundary setting
  • Achieving healing and happiness

 

 

…the dog really did do it!
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Is Your Inner Dialogue Keeping You Stuck In Pain

Changing the Way You Talk to Yourself

Randi Fine, Author

From the book Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery © 2017

Each of us has a subconscious inner voice, called an “inner dialogue,” that strongly influences our life. Since it has always been such a consistent part of our waking lives, most of us do not even realize it is there.

Our inner dialogue controls everything we do. It shapes our perception, makes decisions for us, cautions us, forms our values and opinions, tells us who we are and what we like, monitors our behavior, evaluates situations, and makes judgments.

When our inner dialogue is positive, it empowers us. When our inner dialogue is negative it discourages us. Negative dialogue forms limiting beliefs.

Limiting beliefs can come from powerful outside influences such as parents, religions, families, educators, culture, media, and society. They can also develop on their own after repeated exposure to stimuli, or as a result of trauma or abuse.

Limiting beliefs sabotage our lives. They tell us untruths and lies, make us feel bad about ourselves, impede our success, and cause us to repeat unhealthy patterns. They even govern our moods and reactions.

Years of degradation, manipulation, and brainwashing by your narcissistic abuser has infused your mind with many limiting beliefs. You will be surprised at how many of the following you can claim as your own:

  • I do not deserve: happiness, success, love, recognition, success, money, relationships, friendships with quality people
  • I do not: trust myself, know what I want, feel worthy, have self-control, like or love myself, matter
  • I am not: good enough, smart enough, worthy enough, thoughtful enough, motivated enough, competent enough, rich enough, outgoing enough, thin enough, pretty enough, skilled enough, important enough
  • I cannot: do it as well as others can, reach goals, make money, survive on my own, start a business, get a degree, change who I am, change how I think
  • I should not: think of myself first, love or like myself, feel good about myself, feel angry, ask for what I want, expect others to come through for me, trust anyone, let my guard down
  • I should be: more successful than I am, farther along in life than I am, more educated, more social, a better person
  • Nobody: listens to me, cares about me, wants me, believes in me, likes me, accepts me
  • No one will like or love me if: I am not perfect, I am not successful, I am not a pleaser, they get to know me, I speak honestly, I am not beautiful, I don’t earn their approval
  • Everyone else: judges me, is better than me, rejects me, hates me, thinks I am stupid
  • I always: make mistakes, procrastinate, say stupid things, anger people, quit things, frustrate people, feel guilty, look foolish
  • I am: a quitter, a weirdo, lazy, an unlovable person, an unlikable person, a failure, responsible for others’ happiness
  • It is my job to: smooth things over, make others happy, make others feel better, apologize, keep the peace
  • There’s no point in: getting my hopes up, trying at all, trying again, being honest, having goals, asking for what I want, showing people who I really am
  • Happiness is: a myth, unattainable, for others
  • I must suffer to: show how much I care, get attention, make up for bad things I’ve done, prove my point
  • I must be fearful of: other people, life, relationships, men, women

Reread the above list and highlight all the limiting beliefs that currently apply to you. Explore each one by asking yourself the following questions:

  1. Why do I have the limiting belief?
  2. Is the belief true or false?
  3. Is the belief relevant to my life now?
  4. Am I willing to let the belief go?

Before you can change your subconscious inner dialogue you must bring it to your conscious mind and then challenge it. That involves monitoring your thoughts, emotions, actions, and reactions to see what triggers you and what non-productive patterns you are stuck in.

Limiting beliefs change when they are replaced by positive dialogue. You can reprogram your mind through the use of positive affirmations such as:

  • I deserve to love and be loved
  • I love and accept myself totally and completely
  • I choose happiness and peace in my life
  • I am whole, healthy and complete
  • I am worthy of success
  • I deserve to live a life of abundance
  • I am the only one in charge of my life
  • I am a beautiful person inside and out
  • I am a survivor
  • I am worthy of all the good things in life
  • I can face any challenge

These are just suggestions. You can create your own affirmations or find other ones that resonate with you.

Repeat your affirmations often. Say them to yourself in the mirror. Post them in places where you spend a lot of time. Especially use them whenever you catch yourself having limiting beliefs. The more often and regularly you repeat your affirmations, the faster your inner dialogue will change and the better you will feel about yourself.

This is copyrighted material. May only be shared with permission and proper attribution.

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Broken Sons of Narcissistic Mothers

Sons of a Narcissistic Mothers

Randi Fine, Author

From the book Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery © 2017

The experience I have with sons of narcissistic mothers was gained through my counseling work with them. I can assure you that the extent to which they can be broken and confused are equal to that of women—sometimes even worse.

Overcoming pain is not an easy thing for men to do. They have more difficulty than women do when it comes to expressing their feelings, and they are much harder on themselves, more self-censoring. Men tend to be less tolerant of their weaknesses and less patient of the healing process as well.

Maternal narcissist abuse runs very deeply in men. Without help, they suffer a lifetime of devastating emotional pain.

Sons of narcissistic mothers have a void inside that their mother’s love, encouragement, recognition, and validation should have filled. They lack the triumphant feeling and confidence in the success that Freud spoke of when he said, “If a man has been his mother’s undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it.”

As adults, these men strive for success and stability, but without the foundation of their mother’s love, nothing they achieve ever feels satisfying.

Narcissistic mothers assign childhood roles to their sons just as they do their daughters. All three roles are equally abusive but in different ways.

There is always a golden child, scapegoat child, and sometimes an invisible child. If there is only one child he may play a variety of roles. Roles can be switched, but there can be only one golden child at a time.

The Golden Son

A son chosen for the golden child role is revered like a god. He is the mother’s ideal in every way. As a reflection of her perfect self, she values his superficial qualities such as appearance, academic or athletic performance, and talent. The person he is inside is never nurtured.

To retain the favor of the golden child status the son must submit to total enmeshment with his mother. Constant praise and adulation is his reward. It is constantly reinforced to him how perfect, handsome and charming he is. No one will ever make the golden child feel as entitled and superior as his mother does. Still, he is not immune to her head games.
Always worried about her supply getting cut off, the narcissistic mother must prevent him from getting too full of himself. By alternating between ego boosting and figurative emasculation she keeps him off balance and therefore dependent on her.

Narcissistic mothers employ the usual dependency tactics with their sons; gaslighting, infantilization, and triangulation. But there is an additional abuse tactic sometimes used with golden sons known as “Emotional Incest.”

Emotional incest is not incest of a sexual nature. It is a pathological form of emotional seduction initiated by parents with their children. Mothers turn their golden sons into psychological surrogate partners and expect them to meet all their adult emotional needs.
Using emotional incest, the golden son becomes her little man. If she has a male partner he will take a back seat to this child. Nearly every boundary that should exist between mother and son is crossed in her seduction. She flirts with him, hugs him, kisses him and touches him far more often than what is normal.

That is particularly violating during adolescence—a stage when boys typically reject mostly all physical contact with their mothers. But having not been permitted to go through the natural stages of maturity, golden sons may not see anything wrong with their mother’s over-affectionate behavior. Catering to their mother’s every need becomes their way of life. The message subliminally reinforced in them is that they’ll only be liked or loved if subordinate.

Instead of developing a rich inner self, golden sons are likely to develop the “doormat syndrome.” People will use and abuse them. As adults, their worth will hinge entirely on others’ opinions of them. They will forever struggle with self-respect.

Men who are psychologically possessed by narcissistic mothers have great difficulty with emotional intimacies. Their relationships are likely to be shallow and perfunctory. On a subconscious level, they always belong to their mothers.

Narcissistic mothers resent and reject every woman their golden sons date. Believing their property is being stolen from them, all out wars will be waged. Women who stick around are subject to a cruel and endless battle.

Golden sons experience tremendous emotional conflict. Repressed anger lies just below the surface of these men. While they are completely devoted to their mothers, they harbor terrible resentments against them for destroying their lives and relationships.
Since they cannot lash out at their mothers, other women become targets of their aggression. Many golden sons grow up to be womanizers.

The scenario is very different for golden sons who seek autonomy. Their mothers are greatly offended by their efforts toward independence. They take it as the ultimate betrayal.

These sons face a difficult battle with mothers who are dead set on punishing them. Their mother’s campaign of revenge will be spiteful, relentless and cruel. For boys who cannot yet leave home, this can be particularly trying.

There are no limits to the antics revengeful narcissistic mothers will pull. They will repeatedly woo their sons back in, only to retaliate again and again. Sons continue to take the bait because they want to believe their mother has changed.

Narcissistic mothers on the warpath are known to “accidentally” destroy things their sons love. When their sons make plans, they make every effort to sabotage them. Any opportunity to minimize or ridicule their sons’ achievements and successes is capitalized. To humiliate their sons they deliberately embarrass them in front of their friends.

It is impossible for a son to redeem himself. If he offers to help his mother out she agrees and then gives him slavish or arduous chores. Any act of kindness the son shows her is blatantly disregarded. Former golden sons do not understand why their mother’s treatment so drastically changed. They used to be adored. Now it seems their mother despises them. It does not make sense. They are just acting the way other males their age act, but everything they do or say is met with hostility.

Trying to get back in their mother’s good graces (while also trying to forge their own identities) they continue doing nice things for her, but everything they do is criticized.
If narcissistic mothers cannot have full compliance from their golden sons, they want no part of them at all. There is no middle ground. So resentful of their sons taking away their supply, there will be no end to their cruel crusade of vengeance.

The former golden son must continue pandering to his mother if he wants any relationship with her at all. This becomes his modus operandi in every other adult relationship.
As the giver, pleaser, and fixer in all his relationships, he will find being on the receiving end of others’ favor uncomfortable. He is not familiar with playing that role. Codependency issues born from childhood emotional abuse leave him vulnerable to people who only want to use him. All his relationships will be unbalanced and frustrating until he recognizes the part he plays in all the dysfunction.

Unlike the golden son who was held in high esteem for at least a decade or more, the scapegoat son will never be valued.

The Scapegoat Son

The scapegoat son sees how well his golden child sibling is treated and cannot understand why he is deprived of the same. It seems the golden child can do no wrong and he can do no right.

The scapegoat son cannot seem to please his mother. He tries everything he can think of to get her attention. It does not matter if the attention is positive or negative; he is willing to accept either.

His mother criticizes everything he does. She pummels him with insults, tells him he is stupid and worthless and calls him derogatory names. She insults his masculinity and makes snide remarks about his appearance.

Nothing she does dissuades him from trying to get her recognition. The worse she treats him, the harder he tries. Knowing how desperately he wants her favor, she will throw him an occasional bone. She does this to string him along, to give him glimmers of hope that she will treat him better, but things never change.

The scapegoat son does not like his mother but he does want her love. Those driblets keep him coming back for more. Whether or not he recognizes the manipulation does not matter. He will take anything she is willing to give.

He only wants to make his mother proud, but she never applauds him. Instead, she tells him that he is incapable of success; that he will never amount to anything and has only himself to blame.

Some boys respond to their mother’s degradation by acting out at school or in the community. Some run away from home. They are likely to get involved with other troubled kids. Many become substance abusers. The message that they are failures becomes a truth they live down to.

As an adult, the scapegoat son may chase success to prove his mother wrong, but he is unlikely to ever achieve it. Every defeat further reinforces what his mother told him about himself—that he is a loser, always was and will always be.

When scapegoat sons begin dating, their mother takes great pleasure in sabotaging their success. Narcissistic mothers have been known to make derogatory remarks about their sons to their prospective girlfriends such as, “Be very careful, he has anger issues,” or “If I were you I’d stay far away from him. He can be very violent.” Some mothers point out their sons’ defects, weaknesses or mistakes to make them appear less attractive.

Narcissistic mothers may pull out photos of their son with his previous girlfriends and show them to new prospects, or make a point of asking their son, in front of the girl he likes, how his previous girlfriends are doing or if they still keep in touch.

If these romantic relationships are ever to stand a chance, they must be conducted outside the narcissistic mother’s range of scrutiny. The odds that these relationships will succeed are slim anyway. Scapegoat sons are not equipped with the tools required for healthy relationships.

The scapegoat son is likely to choose a partner who manipulates and abuses him since that is the only kind of attention he knows. If he is lucky he will be taken under the wings of a nurturing partner who shows him the love, attention, validation, and recognition his mother deprived him of. In either case, these men will always feel unworthy of their partners or their love.

The impact maternal narcissism has on each son may vary based on the role they are assigned, but abuse is abuse. Scapegoat sons think that golden sons have it better than they do, but that is an illusion. They suffer just as much.

The Invisible Son

The invisible son is not given good attention by his mother nor is he given bad attention. He is given no attention at all. The narcissistic mother puts on no false pretenses, tosses no crumbs his way.

From her selfish viewpoint, his very existence interferes with her daily agenda. She has no tolerance for his childhood neediness. If she has to tend to his needs for any reason, he will somehow be made to suffer for the inconvenience.

From very young ages, mothers hold these boys responsible for feeding and dressing themselves. They are forced to grow up far too early.

Neglect is the hallmark of the invisible son, but there are extreme cases of total abandonment where these boys are deserted, given to someone else to take care of, or put in foster care.

Invisible sons who are lucky will end up in better homes with families who care about them, but there is no guarantee of that. They can just as easily end up in more abusive situations.

Whether neglected, rejected or discarded, the invisible son feels abandoned. Logic tells him that he must be an unlovable person or that he must have done some reprehensible, unforgivable act to make his mother despise him. The responsibility and guilt he feels for causing his mother’s rejection never goes away.

No form of surrogate nurturing will ever make up for the loss of his mother—the one person in the world who is supposed to love him. The pain of maternal neglect leaves an indelible mark on him. The emotional wounds fester for a lifetime. Many invisible sons self-medicate with drugs or alcohol to block the painful memories that haunt them.

Maternal narcissistic abuse is severely damaging no matter which role sons are assigned. The repercussions of it last a lifetime.

Narcissistic mothers never allow their sons to earn anything in their own right. They don’t like to be shown up by their children. If they can somehow take credit for their sons’ achievements, they will. If they cannot, they will devalue or ignore what they do. Should their sons fail at something, they will relish in it.

The only efforts narcissistic mothers support are the ones they initiate or those that make them look good.

Image is everything to the narcissistic mother. She uses her sons to replicate her perfect image—the self she wants the world to see.

Narcissistic mothers are very controlling, especially over their sons’ career choices. They do not care what their sons want to do with their lives. There is always a self-centered agenda.

If you are a son of a narcissistic mother it is important to know that what happened to you was not your fault. You have the right to feel hurt and the right to be angry about what your mother did to you. You may not have been physically abused but you were severely abused emotionally. That can be harder to overcome.

Please stop beating yourself up for things you had no control over. Do not give your mother one more second of your power. She has already taken enough from you. Allow yourself to heal.

Healing from maternal abuse requires that years of emotional pain be chipped away. That is something that takes time and patience. I urge you to seek counseling. You will not be able to do this alone.

This is copyrighted material. May only be shared with permission and proper attribution.

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Taking Back Control From Your Narcissistic Abuser

How to Blow Your Abuser’s Mind

If you really want to blow your narcissistic abuser’s mind, use the same deceptive tactics he uses on you. Gaslight him. Insist that you didn’t see what he said you saw, hear what he said you heard, or experience what he said you experienced. Don’t argue or defend. Deny, deny, deny.

Learn your abuser’s methods and use them to throw him (her) off balance. Take your power back!

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My Thanksgiving Gratitude Message to You 2018

Dear Friends,

On this Thanksgiving holiday 2018 I am so very grateful for the faith, love, trust, and support you give me every day. Thank you for allowing me a platform on which I can share my experience, knowledge, and perspective. It is hard to express how much that means to me. When I share with you I affirm the truths that I know, but from time to time may need reminders of. I am also afforded a place to share new truths, inspirations, and information as they unfold before me.

This has not been an easy year for many of us, myself included, but this is the time to remember everything we have to be thankful for–and there is plenty. From this day forward start each day with a grateful heart. Take moments out of your day to express your gratitude for the small things that you may take for granted but would find difficult to live without. Say thank you when things go your way or ease finds its way into your life, no matter how brief.

Focus on the positive side of every situation you find yourself in. You may have to soul search, but in doing so will come to realize that there is always at least one.

For the last two weeks I have scoured the internet searching for the most beautiful, inspiring gratitude message to share with you in honor of Thanksgiving 2018. Today I found this video and it resonated deeply with me. I hope it does for you too.

I wish you a wonderful Thanksgiving. It does not matter where you are; who you are with or not with. Make it a day of gratitude.

And always remember, I am here to support you in any way I can. All you have to do is reach out.

With Love,

 

Enjoy this magnificent video.

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Are You Being Spiritually Abused by a Narcissist

Spiritual Narcissistic Abuse

Randi Fine, Author

From the book Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing and Recovery © 2017

Mark shares his Close Encounter:

I’ve been married to an intelligent, beautiful woman for seventeen years and we have three wonderful children, ages eleven, thirteen and fifteen.

My wife and two younger kids go to church every Sunday. My oldest son and I do not. I am not of the Christian faith, therefore have never gone. My son used to go to church with his mother when he was younger, but now he is in sports leagues on Sundays and I take him to his practices and games. His mother is not happy about that.

My wife is a devoted but very controlling mother. She’s a controlling wife too, but I’ve learned that I can keep the peace by doing things her way. For years we fought about me not going to church with her to “make the family look good.” I have had to put up with the silent treatment every Sunday for the last fourteen years.

Every Saturday, she reads me passages from her Bible or whatever Christian book she reads to try to make me feel bad. She tells me that I am ruining my chance of ever getting into heaven; that it is my fault that we will not be spending eternity together. I don’t buy any of it. It makes her furious that she can’t make me do what she wants me to do. She’s been able to manipulate me into changing many things about myself, but I refuse to budge on this one.

I can handle what she does to me, but not what she’s been doing to our oldest son. He was always her favorite child; he could do no wrong until he started having a mind of his own. When he told her he wanted to start playing sports on Sundays instead of going to church, her entire attitude toward him changed. Since then she constantly picks on him. I have to keep building him up when she’s not around to keep him from getting down on himself.

His mother tells him that he is not and has never been a good athlete so he should stop wasting his time—the time God has specifically set aside for prayer. She tells him that if he keeps doing what he’s doing he will end up in hell with Satan. I’ve asked her to stop saying that to him, but then her face turns red and she rages at me. She tells me that I’m going to hell with him and that we deserve each other.

I have never heard you discuss this topic on your show. Would you please do one and let me know when it will be on so I can listen? Thanks.

***

People find great comfort in spirituality and religion. It gives structure and meaning to their lives. In difficult times faith provides a soft, safe place to land.

Faith is personal and different for each of us. We each develop it in our own way and in our own time. No one has the right to judge others for their beliefs or lack of them.

Narcissists don’t care about the rights of others. They only care about taking control of others’ lives and will stoop to any level in that pursuit.

One control method used by some narcissists, but not often talked about, is known as spiritual abuse. As is true with other cunning abuse tactics, those who experience spiritual abuse may not even realize what is happening to them.

Spiritual abuse attacks people at the place where they are most vulnerable, the heart of the very thing that gives them ease. The faith and hope that lifts them up and gives their life meaning is viciously snuffed out and replaced by fear, guilt, and shame.

Those who follow religion, live in accordance to the doctrines of their faith. Because of the way these doctrines are written, much of the teachings found within them are open for interpretation. That is a loophole narcissistic opportunists may see and use to their advantage.

Rather than using scripture as the positive teaching tool for which it is intended, spiritually abusing narcissists manipulate the interpretations or take words out of context and then twist them to scare their victims into compliance. Some cite the words of Jesus, the Torah, Muhammad, Krishna, Buddha, Allah, etc. to give credence to their claims.

Spiritual abusers are believable because they act under the pretense of being men of God. They can be so convincing in their misrepresentation of religious teachings that victims fear the spiritual repercussions of non-compliance.

With all the other methods of abuse at their disposal, one might wonder why narcissists would resort to using spiritual abuse.

To believers, there is none as powerful as their God. Whether or not the narcissist truly has faith, he does believe he is superior, perhaps even God-like. Religion gives him the perfect platform on which to rule others.

Spiritual abuse allows the narcissist to:

  • Live out his fantasies of omnipotence
  • Speak for God or whatever Supreme Being he worships
  • Prove his righteousness
  • Demonstrate superiority over victims
  • Show that God or the Supreme Being he worships is on his side
  • Become the focus of a victim’s worship

Spiritual abusers masquerade as people of faith to fool others in ways that further their self-centered agenda of controlling them. They may use spiritual abuse as a way to:

  • Back up and enforce demands
  • Enforce marital “entitlement”
  • Instill guilt, fear, and shame in victims who don’t comply
  • Prove they are right
  • Put their victims down through the ridiculing of their beliefs
  • Justify their abusive behavior
  • Demand forgiveness
  • Control victims by denying their right to practice their religions
  • Control victims by forcing them to go against their beliefs
  • Control victims by forcing them to practice a faith they don’t believe in
  • Control victims by forcing them to raise children in a faith they don’t believe in

Because the nature of the abuse is spiritual, it is very difficult to identify. The fact that it is yet another manipulation often goes unnoticed. This is tragic for victims who once relied on their faith to survive their oppressive life. What used to be a source of safety, comfort and solace become a source of anxiety, fear, and worry.

If you recognize yourself as being or having been spiritually abused, consider the following:

  • Recognize that the purpose of faith is to elevate you, not bring you down
  • Practice your faith in ways that your abuser does not know about
  • Listen to what your heart tells you, not what your abuser tells you
  • Ask yourself if what you are being told makes sense. Challenge it. Search for the truth.
  • Take your guidance only from a spiritual source, not from a false prophet
  • Seek the support of a trusted member of your spiritual or religious community
  • Tell others what is happening to you; get your feelings out
  • Reconfirm for yourself the principles of your faith that you love
  • See the setback as an opportunity to learn more about and strengthen your faith
  • Weigh the options of staying with someone who hurts you this way

If your abuser believes he in any way speaks for a Supreme Being or is equally omnipotent, you are surely dealing with a mentally unbalanced person. It is time to reevaluate your situation. You are not emotionally safe.

This is copyrighted material. May only be shared with permission and proper attribution.

Posted in abuse, Book Excerpts, Books, Close Encounters of the Worst Kind, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Religion, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Veteran’s Day 2018

via GIPHY

To the Soldier, To the Veteran

Author Unknown

These things I do not know:

The sound of a bullet.
The power of a blast.
The blood of a comrade.
The depth of your wound.
The terror at midnight.
The dread at dawn.
Your fear or your pain.

These things I know:

The sound of your honor.
The power of your courage.
The blood of your wound.
The depth of your strength.
The terror that binds you.
The dread that remains.
Your dignity and your valor.

For these things we pray:

The sound of your laughter.
The power of your voice.
The blood of your yearning.
The depth of your healing.
The joy that frees you.
The hope that remains.
Your wholeness and your love.

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Help Has Arrived for Narcissistic Abuse


Pathological narcissists are parasites. Their very survival depends on capturing live hosts to “feed” off of. But narcissists do not feed on blood as vampires, ticks, fleas, and leeches do. They feed on the vitality of human souls, sucking the life out of each unfortunate victim; stripping the person of his or her dignity and ability to thrive, and then heartlessly discarding the person when the supply runs out; just like rancid food. One would hope that pathological narcissism is a rare occurrence, a societal anomaly, but it is not. These vermin are everywhere. They infiltrate our families, our love relationships, our friendships, and our workplaces. Because of the covert and cunning manipulation tactics used by narcissists against their targets, those who suffer their abuse do not realize they have until it is nearly too late. By then victims are confused, disoriented, despondent, and self-destructive.

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Can Your Children Be Honest

Can Your Children Be Honest?

Parenting Advice: Establishing Open Communication and Trust

 Written by Randi Fine

Children go through phases, particularly during their adolescent years, when they see no logical or justifiable reason to communicate with their parents for any reason other than to have their most basic needs or their material desires met. After spending ten or so years as the apple of their child’s eye, parents are suddenly seen as the “lamest” people on the planet.

Adolescence, the period of children’s life when they are most vulnerable to outside influences, is rightfully a scary time for parents. Children of this age become the target of many negative influences while at the same time experiencing hormones that are raging out of control. The only influence that they seemingly become deafened to is that of their parents.

From the moment of birth we begin a gradual process of separation from those we are dependent upon. That is how children emotionally mature into adults. This process becomes starkly obvious and seemingly accelerates during the adolescent years, a time when children are mortified at the thought of being seen in public with their parents and spare no feelings when telling them so. But parents should not be fooled by their children’s rejection and rudeness. Children expect the support, guidance, structure, and influence of their parents to remain constant.

Keeping children as safe as humanly possible, especially during adolescence, requires knowing what they are doing, what they are thinking, and who they are associating with. Communication, though difficult at times, is the key.

Very little is certain when parenting, but one thing is for sure. If we want to have open communication and trust with our children we must monitor our reactions to what they do and say. No matter how shocked or upset we feel we must always present a calm, non-judgmental front.

If your children have done something wrong they need to be accountable. When discipline is required it should be given in a way that is reasonable and fair. Children should always know that you are parenting and disciplining from a place of love, and one that is always in their best interest.

Children best absorb the lessons we wish to teach them when they can relate to us. The most effective parents are ones who are real, who do not profess to be perfect. Do not hesitate to share the mistakes of your past as it relates to issues your children are experiencing.

Other parenting quotes, poems, and articles:
Ten Things Every Parent Should Know (Article)
Raising Self Reliant Children (Article)
Unconditional Love Parenting (Article)
Unborn Baby Poem
Unconditionally Loved Children Blossom Grow Soar (Article and Poem)
Preparing Children for Life (Article)
New Baby Quote
Happy, Healthy Children Picture Quote
Good Parenting Picture Quote
Parents Love Builds Childs Future Picture Quote

Podcast Shows About Parenting

Tough Love

Given Your Children the Successful Edge in Life

Posted in Children, Family, Parenting | Tagged , , , , | 6 Comments