Narcissistic Abuse Survivors: Assaulted By The Ignorant

Image of the words shame and blame represent the experience of narcissistic abuse survivors

Narcissistic Abuse Survivors

Assaulted By The Ignorant

Written by Randi Fine

Narcissistic Abuse Awareness and Guidance with Randi Fine

There will always be issues throughout our lives that challenge us as narcissistic abuse survivors. Though I counsel other survivors and extensively write, speak and am highly knowledgeable about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I am not immune to its ugly assaults.

When people hear that I have chosen to have no contact with my highly toxic, aged mother and father people often tell me how sorry they feel for my parents. I can only assume that in me they see a happy, well-adjusted adult woman and decide that I have chosen to afflict some sort of maliciously intended punishment on my poor defenseless parents. They cannot possibly understand how violating it is to have to defend the very people who nearly destroyed my life; people who would continue to wreak havoc in it if I chose to allow it. They have no idea what a difficult emotional process proceeded the decision to go no contact.

The judgment handed down by the clearly ignorant used to strike a raw nerve and immediately put me on the defensive. Though my stance is never validated and I always end up looking cold-blooded and hard-hearted, confident in my decision, I no longer feel the need to defend myself. People can conclude whatever they want. I am fully resolved.

I am a strong, confident woman with firm boundaries. I have learned to love and protect myself despite all I have been through. Perhaps it is that air of confidence that causes some to side against me. Everything I stand for in my life demonstrates my compassionate and loving nature, but that is lost on people who do not understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder abuse.

I know that I am not alone in this experience. Due to the covert nature of narcissistic abuse it is one of the perpetual tragedies many survivors of NPD parents endure. The victim is often seen as the perpetrator and the perpetrator seen as the victim. Even when we find the courage to stop the abuse we can never redeem ourselves in the minds of the judgmental ignoramus; professional or otherwise.

As narcissistic abuse survivors our healing must come entirely from our own courageous resolve. Our NPD parent will never validate our feelings, verify our memories, or allow us our pain. Our friends, co-workers and acquaintances who cannot possibly understand what we go through, and family members who deny or cannot see the truth, often say the wrong thing, making us feel even worse.

Narcissistic abuse survivors must have a solid support system to keep them from self-destructing amidst the shaming backlash. Rationality does not exist in dealings with narcissistic abusers. We will never make sense of the abuse we experienced, though that does not stop us from trying to rationalize it. It is that effort that confuses us and makes us feel as if we are the crazy ones.

It takes a great deal of validation to convince us that we are not crazy. A professional therapist, psychologist or counselor who is highly skilled in working with narcissistic abuse survivors can be invaluable in moving us beyond that chaotic mindset. That is the formula for success in overcoming our guilt, confusion, and pain.

You have survived one of the most insidious forms of emotional abuse. Though largely invisible, the abuse was real; your pain is real. But never choose to be a victim of your past. Reclaim your power. Start today.

Randi Fine is the author of the groundbreaking book Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivor’s Guide to Healing, the most comprehensive, most well researched, and most up-to-date book on this subject. In addition to helping survivors recognize their abuse and heal from it, this book teaches mental health professionals how to recognize and properly treat the associated abuse syndrome. She is also the author of Cliffedge Road: A Memoir, the first and only book to characterize the life-long progression of complications caused by narcissistic child abuse.

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1 thought on “Narcissistic Abuse Survivors: Assaulted By The Ignorant”

  1. Jennifer Tyner

    Hi Randi,

    I have been reading your blog for about a year and enjoy your words of encouragement and take comfort in knowing I’m not crazy.

    Being invalidated has been one of the hardest things for me. I stayed with a monster for seventeen years because I assumed there was something wrong with me being as how no one supported or acknowledged my pain.

    I don’t tell people anymore about my marriage. I’m glad for those people who don’t understand as it means they have not had an encounter with this soul-destroying personality.

    Thank you for sharing your experiences. I’m sorry you and your sisters had to live through that.

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